Home births 'as safe as hospital'

Home birth advocates were shocked today at a report claiming home births were "as safe as hospital".

“We are very sceptical about this report,” said a spokesmidwife for the Royal College of Midwives, “surely having a baby at home can’t be that dangerous.”

After researching over half a million cases, the authoritative report concluded that giving birth at home was as safe as doing so in the superbug-infested wards of a general hospital.

The Department of Health welcomed the conclusion, “despite inexperienced nurses delivering overdoses, patients languishing in corridors on hospital trolleys and surgeons lopping out healthy organs – going to hospital is still as safe as staying at home.”

Tories call for smaller UK banks

In a speech yesterday, Shadow Chancellor George Osborne condemned large financial institutions as encouraging risk because they are 'too big to fail'.

He proposed that the UK should have smaller banks as these would be safer. The Government immediately denounced the proposal.

"This just shows how out of touch the Tories are," declared Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, "doesn't George Osborne realise that the banks are all several billion pounds smaller than they were and this hasn't made any of them safer!"