New Element in Periodic Table

Scientists have announced a new element is to be added to the Periodic Table.

High-power reactions and the rapid spinning of the previously most powerful element, Blairium, has produced a dull, heavyweight element: GordonBrownium.

Although extremely unstable, scientists have isolated GordonBrownium in a bubble of hot-air. By carefully balancing the forces around it, they can prevent its complete disintegration even as its power ebbs away.

Within the next year, physicists hope observe GordonBrownium colliding with Cameronium, a lightweight shiny element. The outcome of this impact is uncertain as the properties of Cameronium are hard to pin down - appearing green or blue depending on the observer.

Millionth English word 'looming'

Anglophone lexicographers around the world have reacted with disbelief at claims that the English language is soon to coin its millionth word.

GLM, a US Internet traffic monitoring company announced: "the millionth English word is looming."

"This is nonsense," scoffed a representative of the Oxbridge English Dictionary (OED), "the word 'looming' has been in use since the 16th Century and remains popular to this day in newspaper headlines such as: Poll Defeat Looming for Gordon Brown."

GLM clarified their announcement: "we don't literally mean the 1,000,000th word will be 'looming', what we meant was that it is imminent."

"No, no, no," said a leading dictioneer, "the word 'imminent' isn't new at all, it's used every day in phrases like: Election Imminent as Brown Blunders Again."

GLM later explained, "these fusty old dictionary writers are deliberately misinterpreting our claim, we think that the millionth word was misunderstood."

"Misunderstood?" screamed a spokesperson from the English Lexicon Society, "that's been in the language for hundreds of years, journalists use it all the time e.g. Brown Misunderstood Voter Anger But Will Hang On Just In Case They Change Their Minds Anyway."

1934 Euro Election Results

As results come in for elections to the European League of Nations parliament, it's clear that the left has taken a battering at the hands of the right-wing parties.

Among far-right parties to do well were Benito Mussolini's Blackshirt National Party (BNP), Adolf Hitler's United Kraut Independence Party (UKIP) and Oswald Mosley's UK National Independence Party.

In Russian, Joseph Stalin managed to hold the Communist Party's share of seats but failed to improve on its previous share of the vote (99.9%); however, despite the world-wide recession, socialist parties have done badly whether in opposition or government.

In particular, Britain's beleaguered Scottish prime minster, Ramsay McDonald, is seen as a lame duck. Struggling to respond to the economic slump with increasingly incoherent policies, his defeat at the hands of Stanley Baldwin's conservatives in the forthcoming UK general election is seen as a certainty.

Parties Propose Constitutional Reform

In the wake of the MPs' Expenses scandal, the major political parties are vying with each other to propose far-reaching constitutional reforms.

Recall of MPs

"When stopped in the street by pollsters or journalists and asked about the misdeeds of their representatives, member of the public are frustrated by their inability to recall their MPs," said a spokesman for Labour, "we propose to address this by issuing photos to each household in every constituency entitled 'This is your MP' - we feel sure that voters will start to recall them with ease."

Reduce the Power of the PM

"Far too much power is concentrated in the hands of the Prime Minster," declared a representative of the Tory party," we propose to pass responsibility for a number of as yet unspecified major decisions from the PM to committees of MPs. This will boost the power of Parliament to hold the executive to account. The fact that each committee will be chaired by members of the PM's own party is neither here nor there."

Elected House of Lords

"The domination of the current House of Lords by political appointees is increasingly seen as unacceptable," declared a Lib Dem commentator, "Consensus is being reached that it should be replaced with a fully elected senate, ensuring that its members will be as independent of political patronage as their existing elected colleagues in the House of Commons.

Fixed Term Parliaments

"It is, of course, absurd that the date of a general election is decided by the Prime Minster so long as it is within 5 years of the previous one," said a Lib Dem MP, "we propose to introduce fixed-term parliaments of 5 years with the PM only being able to call an election before that time if they think it is really really important to do so."

Local Democracy

"Devolution of power is an important new strand in political thinking," asserted a Tory spokesman, "our proposals for local referendums on the colour of council wheelie bins and directly elected lollipop ladies are the way forward."

Electoral Reform

"While electoral reform hasn't been a big issue since 1997," said a Labour MP, "support for First Past the Post is likely to ebb somewhat and it is quite possible that electoral reform will shoot to the top of our agenda - probably just after we get trounced by the Tories in the next general election."

Home births 'as safe as hospital'

Home birth advocates were shocked today at a report claiming home births were "as safe as hospital".

“We are very sceptical about this report,” said a spokesmidwife for the Royal College of Midwives, “surely having a baby at home can’t be that dangerous.”

After researching over half a million cases, the authoritative report concluded that giving birth at home was as safe as doing so in the superbug-infested wards of a general hospital.

The Department of Health welcomed the conclusion, “despite inexperienced nurses delivering overdoses, patients languishing in corridors on hospital trolleys and surgeons lopping out healthy organs – going to hospital is still as safe as staying at home.”

Tories call for smaller UK banks

In a speech yesterday, Shadow Chancellor George Osborne condemned large financial institutions as encouraging risk because they are 'too big to fail'.

He proposed that the UK should have smaller banks as these would be safer. The Government immediately denounced the proposal.

"This just shows how out of touch the Tories are," declared Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, "doesn't George Osborne realise that the banks are all several billion pounds smaller than they were and this hasn't made any of them safer!"

David Davis wins back seat

In today's news, a by-election has taken place, apparently, and David Davis, former shadow home secretary, has won a back seat in the Conservative Party.

The back-seat position is a traditional role in the Tory party, previously occupied by Lady Thatcher.

From the back seat, he'll be able to shout instructions to the driver, David Cameron, such as "Turn right!", "Tax cuts!" and "I should be Conservative Party leader!"

In the Company of Cheerful Politicians

[You will not get this unless you have read the No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith]

Mma Cameron was waiting patiently in the little white van as a herd of impala scurried across Birdcage Walk and into St James' Park. As the sun reflected off the backs of crocodiles in the lake, Mma Cameron reflected on the need to start taking climate change a lot more seriously.

A great white stork was waddling around in front of the No. 1 Conservative Ladies’ Election Agency, but Mma Cameron was again happy to wait for it to move out of the way before parking the van under the acacia tree. "It is so often the case in life that it is better not hurry if you know where you are going and how to get there," mused Mma Cameron

Mma Osborne looked up when Mma Cameron entered the office, "Would you like a cup of Bush tea, Mma? I'm afraid we'll have to wait for the kettle to boil."

Mma Cameron nodded, "We have become very good at waiting, Mma"

"Yes," replied Mma Osborne, "we successfully waited for Mr A. C. L. Blair to go and for Mr J. G. Brown to become unpopular…"

"…and for our great victory in the local elections and Mr A. B. de P. Johnson to become Mayor of London," added Mma Cameron.

"So what are we waiting for next?" asked Mma Osborne.

"Oh, that accident prone Mr J. G. Brown is bound to hit trouble again soon," said Mma Cameron, "he's always chopping and changing; unlike us, he doesn't take a principled and consistent position on policies."

"Indeed, Mma, like our commitment to make significant reductions in tax and cut public spending..." suggested Mma Osborne.

Mma Cameron quickly cut in, "No, no, we advocate improving public services by cutting waste and implementing efficiencies."

"Oh, I thought that was Mr J. G. Brown's policy," puzzled Mma Osborne, "I suppose the difference is that he's always pandering to a disunited party whereas you force any rebels to resign - like Mr D. M. Davis."

Eyes rolling, Mma Cameron patiently explained, "Mr D. M. Davis resigned in a principled stand against the Government's 42-day detention plan for terror suspects and the erosion of human rights."

"But I thought we were against human rights for terrorists - isn't that why we intend to repeal the Human Rights Act?" said Mma Osborne looking confused again, "Anyway, our commitment to cut taxes on petrol will play well with the public, won't it? Everyone knows this climate change stuff is just a cover story for stealth taxes!"

"No, no, we're committed to cutting the UK's carbon emissions as part of our green agenda," corrected Mma Cameron.

"Isn't that Mr J. G. Brown's policy?" asked Mma Osborne.

There was silence as they both thought for a moment.

"So what is our main policy difference compared to Mr J. G. Brown?" queried Mma Osborne.

Mma Cameron smiled, "The key difference is that Mr J. G. Brown thinks he should be in charge - and we don't!"

They both laughed out loud. Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “Should we have another cup of Bush tea?”

Anti-Cluedo

Board Game to get 21st Century Revamp

Commentators were aghast this week, as plans were revealed for an updated version of Cluedo. The board game industry's journal, Dice & Counters Monthly, announced that, while the basic murder premise remained the same, the whodunit concept would be turned on its head.

In Anti-Cluedo, we all know who is responsible - Gordon Brown, obviously - the object is to find out who the victim is and how they were killed.

Out go Professor Plum, Colonel Mustard, the billiard room, the lead piping and all the other familiar aspects of the game. In come characters, places and objects recognisable from the modern world.

Who was the victim?
…the goth kicked and stamped to death by feral youths in the park?
…the polish migrant worker stabbed by her boyfriend in the street?
…the father of four beaten and punched by drunken chavs outside his house?
…the asylum seeker knifed by racists as he left the library?
…the 10-year old killed by a speeding SUV on the way to school?
…the UK economy battered by inflation and loan defaults in the credit crunch?

Spirit Guides to Strike

Psychics predict chaos will follow new law on mediums

Amon-Ptah, an ancient Egyptian priest, has condemned plans to extend consumer protection legislation to cover fortune-tellers and faith healers.

Speaking via medium, Lesley Mode, he said, “This will provoke strike action by spirit guides in the astral plane. Contact with the dead and visions of the future will be withdrawn. Powers to heal by touch or incantation will not be supported.”

Cloud Rain, a 10,000 year old Native American shaman speaking through psychic Sybil Bonkers, predicted chaos: “How will the bereaved perpetuate their grief without receiving ambiguous and anodyne advice in séances? How can people plan ahead, without knowing in which month they will be lucky in love? How will the incurably sick be miraculously cured just prior to dying?”

Essex-based clairvoyant, Clare Voint, foresaw trouble: “Something will happen, possibly involving people. I see a building near water. A man with a medical condition affecting his upper body may die. That’s £200, please.”

A government spokesman sought to quell fears that the bemused and reality-challenged might be targeted by people trying to make a load of cash through loopholes in the law. “That’s precisely what we’re trying to stop,” he said.

Brown Dot

In a country that was once seen as an economic success, ordinary people are now struggling to pay for basics such as food, fuel and housing against a background of rampant inflation and economic meltdown. Its leader continues to hang on to power, surrounded by a small coterie of henchmen loyal to a party that has ruled unopposed for many years.

The President of Zimbabwe has described the situation in Britain as appalling. His calls for neighbouring countries to put pressure on Brown went unheeded when France's President Sarkozy visited London but refused to criticise the PM.

President Mugabe, condemning Prime Minister Gordon Brown's rejection of a poll showing 68% of Britons no longer have confidence in him, declared:

"The democratic rights of the British people have got to be respected. I have called many general elections, the number of general elections that Mr Brown has called is zero, nothing, nada, zip, dot."

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Labour’s ICBM Poll Woe

Brown is most-reviled PM since Blair

As the Tories celebrate another opinion poll showing a commanding lead over Labour, public confidence in Gordon Brown plummets across all key issues.

How would you describe the UK‘s economic outlook?
8% Growth may slow a tad
9% 1930s-Style Depression
83% A new dark age of barter and subsistence farming

Who is responsible for the recession that hasn’t actually happened yet?
11% Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown
1% Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King
88% Prime Minister, Gordon Brown

How do you regard green taxes?
5% Too little, too late. Environmental catastrophe is upon us!
1% Sensible moves to reduce carbon emissions
94% A scam by Gordon Brown to fleece the hard-pressed motorist

Why are UK businesses employing immigrant workers?
7% Foreign workers have vital skills and are hard-working
5% UK workers are feckless and workshy
88% Gordon Brown is kowtowing to unelected EU bureaucrats

How would you describe law and order in the UK?
4% Crime is down, but violence and guns remain a problem
4% Criminals go unpunished while their victims suffer
92% Society has collapsed into a Bladerunner-style distopia

Who is most to blame for problems in Zimbabwe?
19% Robert Mugabe
2% Thabo Mbeki
79% Gordon Brown

Who caused the death of Princess Diana?
4% Her drunken, speeding driver
1% The Duke of Edinburgh and MI6
95% Gordon Brown

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Mayoral Comedy Condemned

Critics pan London Mayor sitcom

TV bosses are in the firing line over the latest prime-time sitcom, "Citizen Boris". The controversial show revolves around the farcical antics of various candidates in the London Mayoral Election.

The Daily Nail rubbished the programme, declaring that “the portrayal of the Conservative candidate as an old-Etonian buffoon is just a sad rehash of 1960s satirical stereotypes.”

The Labour candidate is depicted as a crypto-socialist, forever concocting new taxes targeted at the rich. The Undependent asked: “have the writers been marooned on a desert island? This kind of early 80s Trotskyite would never get passed New Labour’s selection process.”

Even the Daily Repress was shocked at the representation of the Lib Dem candidate as a gay man: “This is the 21st Century, we left the caricature of the limp-wristed Liberal politician back in the 1970s.”

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Hercules in New Labour

Greek hero cleans Augean health service.

The Telegraphos - a medium for spreading news amongst ancient people - has been unearthed by archaeologists at a dig in Knossos. It was found amongst a horde of ancient Greek tablets believed to have been used in the Cretan health service over 3000 years ago.

Astonished scholars deciphering its ‘Linear B’ script have discovered fascinating descriptions of the ancient Greek world, including a tragic sequel to the Twelve Labours of Hercules.

The mythological Greek hero was ordered by the fearsome Gorgon Brown to clean all the Augean hospitals in a single day. Alas, the deep clean strategy failed and Hercules' aged father Zeus died after contracting MRSA.

Other stories in the deciphered text portray a turbulent world we can only dimly understand: "Economy Slumps as Olive Oil Price Peaks"; "War on Troy Claims 4000th Victim"; "Priests Warn of Human-Animal Hybrids: Bull-Headed Men and Snake-Haired Women"; and "Sparta Condemns Foreign Critics amid Calls for Olympic Boycott".

[Also on THE tART website]

US Troops Capture Bin Laden with Secret Video Equipment

Major breakthrough in War On Terror as Osama is betrayed.

The Pentagon was celebrating a significant operational success last night, after announcing that disgruntled Afghan tribesmen had led US forces to Osama’s hidden recording studio.

The Al Qaeda leader was preparing a video to be released on Easter Sunday condemning the Crusader states, Israel and critics of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Special agents reached the hideout in time to seize valuable Al Qaeda materials including a bin laden with secret video equipment. Unfortunately, using a comedy ginger wig, Osama had earlier escaped disguised as a member of the British Royal Family.

The CIA confirmed that the equipment in the bin contained hilarious outtakes showing the terrorist leader fumbling with props, fluffing his lines and giggling. In a serious blow to Osama’s prestige, the blunders will collated by Dennis Norden and released as “It'll Be Alright on the Night 9/11”.

Any Budget Will Do

[As Alistair Darling completed his first Budget speech in the House of Commons, Gordon Brown, dressed in a multi-coloured robe, unexpectedly burst into song.]

I cross my fingers, in times uncertain,
Will it go for a Burton,
the economy we knew?
In the USA, mortgages foreclosing
Are economic woes exposing
What’s it gonna do?

I‘d hoped the cloud, had a golden lining
Of interest rates declining,
Promoting growth anew
But across the world, inflation’s rising
With global firms downsizing
What’s it gonna do?

A crash of stocks!
A credit crunch!
My rosy outlook’s out to lunch

Consumer spending fades to nothing
The budget’s left adrift

May I return to the arms of prudence
With fiscal rule improvements,
And balanced budgets too
Alistair and I, are hoping growth will freshen
Will we see recession?
What’s it gonna do?

Bring back my reputation,
For prudence and for growth
Bring back low levels of inflation,
And unbroken years of growth!

Life on Mars

Remake of Four Feathers

Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films), will be the lead role in a remake of “The Four Feathers”.

Setting the classic adventure story in the present day, the plot revolves around Harry Windsor, an officer in the British army. After he controversially escapes deployment in Iraq, the British newspapers send him four feathers - the symbol of cowardice.

Harry sets out to prove his bravery by secretly going to Afghanistan. In a series of exciting TV interviews, he rescues the media from what would otherwise be a fairly boring day for news and returns home a hero.

Cleggsy Malone

In Prime Minister’s Question Time, Tory Leader, ‘Dandy Dave’, called the PM, ‘Fat Gord’, a “no-good dirty rat”. The PM replied with a volley of custard pies; whereupon the shadow cabinet discharged splurge-guns into the Labour ranks and cream-splattered MPs set about each other.

Suddenly, everyone stopped as the sound of an unexpected piano rang out and the Liberal Democrat Leader, Cleggsy Malone, started to sing…

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like run the country quite well
Our efforts so far have oft come to naught
Is it the pointless battles we have fought?

[MPs on all sides begin swaying and singing along]

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like something worthy of praise
We’ve been derided
Our expenses misguided
Let’s put aside our jaundiced ways

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Without these soundbites and spin
Let’s debate on a basis of facts
And not the petty points of partisan attacks
We could be the best there’s ever been

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Make co-operation our style
We’d get together
So we’d decide whether
We could do it right once in a while

[Fighting resumes as Cleggsy Malone is pelted with custard pies from his own party]

England Rocks

Swathes of England were left devastated by the largest earthquake to hit the country in nearly 25 years. Chimney stacks tumbled and ornaments toppled from shelves as the 5.2 Richter scale quake shook the very foundations of the nation.

As English people are unused to seismic activity, many of them had no idea what was happening.

Lech Jankowski, a construction worker in Leeds, said: “It felt like the house was falling down. Some of the fifteen other workers in the house thought it was a terrorist bomb.”

Stanislaw Kowalczyk, a farm worker in Lincolnshire, said: “I was terrified and so were the twenty other labourers sharing our flat. We thought a plane had crashed.”

As the Government appealed for calm, opposition politicians demanded to know why so many houses had been built in dangerous earthquake zones.

“Is this the end for UK housing market?” asked the Daily Nail. “Brown Unprepared for Earthquake!” screamed the Daily Repress. The Undependent’s 12-page special “Climate Change Tremor” called for Britain to face up to the risks of Japanese-style earthquakes and tsunamis.

The Archbishop of Canterbury issued a statement saying: “it is unavoidable that some elements of Japanese building regulations will be introduced in Britain.”