Great Thatcher Award

Leader of the Conservative party, David Cameron, has presented an award to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher for her "enormous contribution to British life".

Mr Cameron, arriving late after being wrongly directed to the Cottage Roofers ‘Great Thatcher’ Award ceremony in an adjacent room, praised Baroness Thatcher as a "towering figure".

Lady Thatcher praised Gordon Brown for following the policies of easy credit, rampant house price inflation and recession that had made Britain great in the 1980s.

She went on to urge Mr Cameron to “get a proper majority like that nice Mr Blair”.

Minister Quits in Veil Row

The Bishop of London has asked the Reverend Green, vicar of St Cluedo’s church, Balham, to resign after he refused to perform a marriage ceremony because the bride turned up wearing a veil. Reverend Green left the church without explaining his reasons, but said later that he felt there were identity issues. He noted that the bride was all fat and wide and that they had had to take the door off to get her inside.

A statement from the General Synod of the Church of England said: "Reverend Green is concerned about questions of identity when the full veil is worn in church; in this particular case the bride was so big that he felt that there may have been two people behind the veil, or possibly a horse."

"However, he agrees that he acted unwisely in absenting himself without giving reasons, and acknowledges that he should have sought the advice of his Bishop, and that there could have been a perfectly reasonable explanation for the size of the bride i.e. she was up the duff, as brides so often are."

The local MP has condemned the Bishop, saying: "People are fed up to the back teeth with continual concessions to small, awkward minority groups like the Church of England."

Bush Condemned in Nuclear Plant Row

As international controversy over Iran’s nuclear ambitions mounts, the International Atomic Energy Authority has published an in-depth report on Iranian nuclear facilities and plants. The IAEA report has found no evidence that Iran might be trying to develop an atomic bomb; but it has highlighted a number of serious concerns regarding a plant at Iran’s key nuclear installation.

Mohamed ElBaradei, the head of the IAEA, commenting on an incident where a steam pipe had burst at the Bushehr nuclear power station, commended the Iranian authorities for ensuring that stringent safety procedures had been followed at all times; but he insisted that plants affected by a leak of radioactive material should be condemned.

After talks about the contaminated plant, President Ahmadinejad agreed that the bush in question should be uprooted and destroyed.

2008 US Presidential Election Analysis

As the juggernaut of US democracy thunders along the interstate highway of time towards the toll plaza of election day, we take this opportunity to assess the key issues and central characters in the most important election in the free world.

Key Facts

Election Day. American presidential elections are always held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November which this year will fall on a Tuesday.

Electoral College. US voters do not directly elect their president. The founding fathers of the United States decided that ordinary Americans were too ignorant to know how to actually elect someone. Instead, each state sends a number of 'electors' to electoral college where they learn how to elect the president. This is why the presidential election takes so long.

Parties. There are two political parties in the US. One party is called "the Republicans" and the other is called "the Democrats". Apart from that there's no difference, so very similar to the UK really.

Primaries. Despite having middlemen to do the actual work of electing the president, the voters still need to have a rehearsal before the big day. So each party holds primary elections in each state. This allows voters to practice voting and candidates to practice being elected.

Candidates

Borat O'Bama (Democrat). Young and charismatic, Mr O'Bama has positioned himself as the new Kennedy, despite suggestions that he's not actually of Irish descent.

Hill Clinton (Democrat). A potentially divisive figure, Hill Clinton's main stance is to advocate a return to the 1990s policy of having a Clinton in the White House.

John Edwards (Democrat). Nominee for vice-president last time round, Edward Johns has struggled to extend his support beyond the pro-smiling wing of the Democrat Party.

Julie Rudiani (Republican). Law and order candidate and ex-Mare of New York City, Julie's strategy of not bothering to have a macho-sounding name may back-fire.

John McBain (Republican). Foreign policy wonk, war hero and everyone's favorite grandpa, McBain's exploits in the Spanish-American War of 1898 are famous.

Rom Mittney (Mammon). Fiscal conservative, successful businessman and organiser of the 2002 Winter Olympics, millionaire Mittney has suffered attacks from the religious right who are concerned that he's never divorced his wife.

Huck Mickabee (Republican). God-bothering, guitar-strumming, former Baptist minister, Mickabee, is strongly supported by social conservatives for his pledge to repeal the theory of evolution.

Christmas Book Review 2007

"Nigel Express" (by Nigel Lawson)

Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, Nigel Lawson, and his style of economic management have earned a special place in our lives, with his eclectic mix of financial deregulation, de facto exchange-rate targeting and excessive fiscal laxity.

Now that the late 80s retro-chic is back with us, Nigel Lawson's favourite old recipes are popular again: spiralling inflation, house price collapse and consumer debt gone bad.

"I Can Make You Buy This Book" (by Paul McKenna)

Are you ready to buy this book? If you've ever wondered why it is that some people buy this book while others don't, it's not because they are more intelligent, work harder or have better luck - it's simply because they buy this book.

Over the past decade, Paul McKenna PhD has made a unique study of the mindset of people who buy his books. In this groundbreaking new book, he makes use of proven psychological techniques to get those people to buy his latest book.

"My Booky Wookiee" (by Russell Brand)

Russell Brand's scandalous biography of the famous Wookiee, Chewbacca, was always going to have a literary flavour. But nothing you've seen in the Star Wars films can prepare you for the impact of this beautifully written memoir.

From his troubled childhood on planet Kashyyyk and his addictions to drink, drugs and the giant wroshyr trees, to his giddy rise through the world of the rebel alliance, this is not simply a story of fame but also of a tall hairy biped.

Christmas Repeats

In today's news, a study has shown that the number of repeats on British TV has increased by a quarter since last year.

"People are fed up with Christmas because of repeats," said the Liberal Democrats' spokesman for what's on telly, "that's why people simply don't bother with Christmas anymore and, er, just watch telly instead."

The Conservative spokesman for having a go at lefties in the BBC commented,
"Of course, there are some repeats from last Christmas that we enjoy to see come round again, such as Labour trailing the Tories in the opinion polls."

The BBC issued a press release questioning the methodology of the study:
"Some of the TV output counted as repeats in this report simply isn't repeated material at all, it is merely the same things happening again and again."

Top Ten Repeats this year:
- Endless violence in Iraq;
- Labour party funding scandal;
- Liberal Democrat leadership contest;
- a Conservative MP does or says something embarrassing;
- New England Manager required.

Low turn out for fuel price demos

In the UK today, only a small number of disgruntled farmers and lorry drivers turned up at nationwide protests against the rising cost of fuel; the organisers of the protests issued a statement blaming the rising cost of fuel:

"It's madness that petrol prices are so high that our supporters simply can't afford the cost of traveling to blockade an out-of-the-way oil refinery. Why do drivers pay such high taxes?

When will the government shift this grossly unfair tax burden away from drivers and on to the non-driving part of the population: blind people, children, the very old and the very poor?"