Soap

This is the story of two parties. The Labour Party and the Tory Party. This is the Labour leader, Gordon Brown, and this is the Tory leader, David Cameron, and this is Soap:

When Gordon announced that he wasn't up for it, David told him he wasn't being straight: "Are you calling me a poof?", said Gordon. Then Gordon and his chum Darling stole all of David's clothes and paraded about the House.

When asked where he stood on the dom/non-dom issue, David complained that coming down hard on non-doms was something they did in his party and that, if Gordon was claiming to swing that way, then he was just a phoney.

Bemused, you will be after that episode of "Soap"!

The Lobster Quadrille

"The polls are in our favour," said a man to Gordon Brown,
"With Labour going up in them and the Tories going down,
See how easily the media misinterpret circumspection!
They are waiting for you now to call a snap election."

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you call a snap election?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you call a snap election?"

Said Cameron to his conference, "We'll elucidate our goals,
With the public flocking to us, we'll be rising in the polls!
You can really have no notion how big will be my grin,
Electoral victory's in the bag, we cannot fail to win!"

"Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not fail to win.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not fail to win."

"What matters it how well we do?" Sir Menzies Campbell said,
"There'll be another poll, you know, once this election's dead.
The further we're from Cameron the nearer we're to Brown,
It matters not how well we do, we claim the centre ground."

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you claim the centre ground?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you claim the centre ground?"

[with apologies to Lewis Carol]

Neologisms

In today's news, we review some of the new words that have recently entered the English language.

Election Fever (n.)
The latest crisis to beset farmers and everyone else in the UK; it is caused by unusually high seasonal poll ratings for the Government.

Bluetongue (n. and adj.)
A symptom exhibited by journalists babbling away in an excess of election fever.

Sub-Prime (adj.)
Unreliable, of low quality, liable to fail and unlikely to yield a profit; as in:
“As election fever spreads from farm to farm, economists have expressed concern for Britain’s sub-prime cattle market.”

Gordon is a Moron

In today's news, we look back on a month where the UK opinion polls went sour for Tory leader, David Cameron.

Jilted Dave

I'd been doing well in the polls,
and the public loved me
But last month they said to me,
in papers and on telly

(This is what they said)

They said, "listen Dave, you're a nice guy
But really just a lightweight
I don't want to vote for you,
the other bloke's a heavyweight"

"Who's this bloke," I asked them
"Goooooordon," they replied
"Not THAT control-freak," I said
"He's no stalinist," they cried

("He's more of a PM than you'll ever be!")

Here we go, two three four (percent behind)

I was so upset that I cried,
all the way to Rwanda
When I got back there was Gordon,
with his propaganda

(And guess who was with him? Yeah, the British Press, and they were all laughing at me)

Oh, they are cruel and heartless
to pack me for Gordon
Just cos he's dour and serious
Just cos he's not trendy

But I know he's a moron, Gordon is a moron
Gordon Brown's a moron, Gordon is a moron

[with apologies to Graham Fellows/Jilted John]

New J K Rowling books

After the publication of the 7th and final Harry Potter book, J K Rowling has revealed that she is writing two new books.

The first book, "Barry Cotter and the Stilosopher's Phone", is aimed at children and set in Wogharts School of Blizzardry and Weathercraft, a school for young weather forecasters. The plot revolves around Barry's fight against Global Warming. Barry and his friends try to save the 'muddles' (people who aren't weather experts) of southern England from alternate bouts of drought and flooding.

The second book, "Sally Blotter and the Chatter of Secrets", is aimed at adults and set in Bogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Gossipry, a school for tabloid columnists. The plot revolves around Sally's fight against celebrity marriages. Sally and some people she hangs out with, but slags off behind their backs, try to save the 'befuddled' (people who read tabloid columnists) from the belief that people could possibly be famous and faithful or rich and happy.

Rubbish

In today's news, a committee of UK MPs has condemned the UK's rubbish collection policy as "rubbish".

After looking into bins, waste-collection vehicles and tips around the country, the committee labelled plans for small cash incentives (for recycled waste) and charges (for non-recycled waste) as "a bit timid".

Furthermore, in considering the collection of non-recyclable waste and recyclable waste on alternate weeks, the committee of hard-headed, no-nonsense politicians concluded that, although it did appear to increase recycling and there was no evidence that it actually did pose any threat to public health, it was possibly not always appropriate, especially as there had been a lot of fuss about it in the Press, and, well, you can never be sure and we really ought to listen to people's concerns and not run before we can walk - best to look before you leap and all that...

More Flood Relief

In today's news, the Chinese government allocated another 95 million yuan to fund disaster relief work in flood-hit Anhui, Henan, Hubei, Sichuan and Shanxi provinces, bringing the total fund to 327 million yuan (21 million British Pounds).

More than 66 million Chinese have been affected by floods this summer, with 360 people killed and direct economic losses of 24.3 billion yuan (1.5 billion British Pounds).

Meanwhile, the UK's central government allocated 14 million British Pounds to a relief package to be shared out among flood-hit local authorities, in Yorkshire and the Midlands.

More than 28,000 homes have been affected by floods this summer, with 4 people killed and economic losses of 1.5 billion British Pounds.

The leader of Hull City Council said it was only "a drop in the ocean".