Christmas Book Review 2007

"Nigel Express" (by Nigel Lawson)

Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, Nigel Lawson, and his style of economic management have earned a special place in our lives, with his eclectic mix of financial deregulation, de facto exchange-rate targeting and excessive fiscal laxity.

Now that the late 80s retro-chic is back with us, Nigel Lawson's favourite old recipes are popular again: spiralling inflation, house price collapse and consumer debt gone bad.

"I Can Make You Buy This Book" (by Paul McKenna)

Are you ready to buy this book? If you've ever wondered why it is that some people buy this book while others don't, it's not because they are more intelligent, work harder or have better luck - it's simply because they buy this book.

Over the past decade, Paul McKenna PhD has made a unique study of the mindset of people who buy his books. In this groundbreaking new book, he makes use of proven psychological techniques to get those people to buy his latest book.

"My Booky Wookiee" (by Russell Brand)

Russell Brand's scandalous biography of the famous Wookiee, Chewbacca, was always going to have a literary flavour. But nothing you've seen in the Star Wars films can prepare you for the impact of this beautifully written memoir.

From his troubled childhood on planet Kashyyyk and his addictions to drink, drugs and the giant wroshyr trees, to his giddy rise through the world of the rebel alliance, this is not simply a story of fame but also of a tall hairy biped.

Christmas Repeats

In today's news, a study has shown that the number of repeats on British TV has increased by a quarter since last year.

"People are fed up with Christmas because of repeats," said the Liberal Democrats' spokesman for what's on telly, "that's why people simply don't bother with Christmas anymore and, er, just watch telly instead."

The Conservative spokesman for having a go at lefties in the BBC commented,
"Of course, there are some repeats from last Christmas that we enjoy to see come round again, such as Labour trailing the Tories in the opinion polls."

The BBC issued a press release questioning the methodology of the study:
"Some of the TV output counted as repeats in this report simply isn't repeated material at all, it is merely the same things happening again and again."

Top Ten Repeats this year:
- Endless violence in Iraq;
- Labour party funding scandal;
- Liberal Democrat leadership contest;
- a Conservative MP does or says something embarrassing;
- New England Manager required.

Low turn out for fuel price demos

In the UK today, only a small number of disgruntled farmers and lorry drivers turned up at nationwide protests against the rising cost of fuel; the organisers of the protests issued a statement blaming the rising cost of fuel:

"It's madness that petrol prices are so high that our supporters simply can't afford the cost of traveling to blockade an out-of-the-way oil refinery. Why do drivers pay such high taxes?

When will the government shift this grossly unfair tax burden away from drivers and on to the non-driving part of the population: blind people, children, the very old and the very poor?"

UK teacher jailed over teddy row

A Tennessee court today found a UK primary school teacher guilty of insulting the presidency of the United States of America after she allowed her primary school class to name a stuffed toy bear Teddy.

The teacher had allowed her pupils to pick a name for the stuffed toy bear; one of the boys, suggested naming it "Teddy" after himself. This caused national uproar as Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt is the USA's most revered president; his memory is so sacred that his image has been carved into America's holy Mount Rushmore.

The teacher's actions were widely seen as a British imperialist plot against America's republican institutions.

Speaking of the incident, the Foreign Secretary David Milliband said,
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet".

Major Operational Problem

The story so far:

Dour Scot, General Gordon Brownadder, a professional soldier in the British Army, has recently taken over command of the Western Front from General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Blair. Aided by his batman, the babbling Private Ballsrick, and his pencil-pushing staff officer, Captain Darling, his plans to win the Great War have run into some difficulty.

Staff HQ (phone rings)

Brownadder: Hello? Ah, Alistair, darling, what is it?

Darling: I think we’ve got a major operational problem.

Brownadder: Major Operational Problem? Never heard of him! What does he want?

Brownadder: (hand covering phone) Ballsrick, you’d better bring some tea in for this fellow.

Ballsrick: Rightio, sir

Darling: No sir, I mean that I’ve got some bad news for you.

Brownadder: Oh no, what is it now? Haven’t we had our share of crises: carrier-pigeon flu; trench-foot; trench-mouth; Passchendaele; and the endless poetry?

Darling: Unfortunately this is a bit of a cock-up. We’ve misplaced files with the details of 2 million soldiers.

Brownadder: Misplaced?

Darling: Yes, we think that a junior officer loaded up a shoe-box with all the information on those little index cards and sent it off to the National Audit Office by regular army bicycle, but it never got there.

Brownadder: How secure was it?

Darling: Oh, the usual security: it had a ribbon tied around it.

Brownadder: You realise that if those details get into the hands of the enemy they could hopelessly compromise our security!

Darling: Indeed, there’s enough information there for a German soldier to impersonate anyone in the army. They could infiltrate anywhere, from the loftiest generals to the lowliest privates.

Brownadder: Well, I don’t want any Germans infiltrating my privates! Right, we need to find these missing files and get this all cleared up before anyone finds out.

Darling: I’m afraid that it’s already been found out, sir. General Cameron is on his way to see you right now.

Brownadder: (slams the phone down) Ballsrick! Where are you?

Ballsrick: Sorry, sir, I was just getting the tea for Major Problem and Miss Placed.

Brownadder: Never mind about that now! That toffee-nosed, old Etonian General Cameron is on his way here. He’s always wanted my job and this’ll play right into his hands.

(phone rings)

Brownadder: Hello!

Darling: General Cameron is here to see you, sir.

Brownadder: Hmm.. (thinks for a moment)

Darling: General Brownadder? Are you there?

Brownadder: Darling, how do you know that it’s General Cameron?

Darling: (muffled talking) He says that he’s General David William Donald Cameron and he’s come direct from General Headquarters.

Brownadder: Well that’s what he would say isn’t it - if he was a German spy! Have him arrested and sent back to GHQ immediately for questioning about those missing files.

(muffled sounds of shouting)

Brownadder: Right Ballsrick, what we need to do is find those files and show that they never left here in the first place.

Ballsrick: How will we do that, sir?

Brownadder: (reaches under his desk) Oh look, Ballsrick, here’s an old shoe box. All you need to do is requisition 2 million index cards …and start writing.

The End

Opposition Rallies to Government’s Defence

This week in Parliament, a man, claiming to be Alistair Darling, announced that computer discs with the bank details of 7 million families had gone missing. Gordon Brown, a man claiming to be the Prime Minister, said “obviously, the Government is very sorry.”

David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party, said that he understood how difficult it is to run something as complicated as the HM Revenue & Customs and that the Government had his fullest sympathy. He added that if there was anything he could do to help locate the 15 million child benefit claims then they just had to ask.

Vince Cable, Liberal Democrat acting-Leader, asked if the Prime Minister had checked down the side of the sofa, as this was quite a common place to loose things - even the details of 25 million people.

The Prime Minister thanked both opposition parties for their goodwill and understanding. He said that the Government would launch a full inquiry into the matter when it had a bit of spare time.

Further support came from the Sun newspaper, which declared that this “could have happened to anyone”. The Daily Mail’s main headline read: “Unfortunate Mishap”; whilst the Times advised its readers to “check their bank accounts, if they happened to be popping into the bank or were on-line, but not to worry as it’s just one of those things.”

Youthanasia

There was controversy this week, when officers from Northamptonshire Police were filmed handing out cigarettes to teenagers. A spokesman for the force explained that, after extensive consultations with the Brazilian Police, they had launched a new initiative called “Youthanasia”, whereby teen hoodlums would be targeted for extra-judicial killing by use of the cancerous sticks of death.