Wednesday, 29 November 2006

Gordon Brown's Ancestry: Regency England

The story so far:
Dour Scot, Gordon Brownadder, is butler to the Prince of Wales in Regency England. Aided by the babbling Edward Ballsrick, the ambitious Brownadder is anxious to advance his position in society and resents having to work for his dimwit master who seems only to be concerned with his legacy to the nation.

The Prince's Chambers

Prince: Ah, there you are Brownadder. I've got an interview with the Times later, they're sending along a man to do an etching - which trousers do you think I should wear? The trim, understated pair to indicate a sober, worldly statesman or the enormous pantaloons to show I'm a modern, relevant, man of fashion?

Brownadder: The pantaloons, I think, sir, to give them an impression of who you really are.

Prince: You know, Brownadder, I think you're right!

Brownadder: I'm afraid, sir, that I have some distinctly bad news.

Prince: Oh no, has another buyer pulled out of purchasing the Brighton Pavilion?

Brownadder: Well, sir, we haven't actually had any offers for that particular white elephant, but that is not the subject of our bad news.

Prince: Well, come on Brownadder, what is it?

Brownadder: The Tories are revolting.

Prince: Well, I know that - the Liberals are a disgrace too - but why is that bad news for us?

Brownadder: You misunderstand, sir. The Tories are refusing to support our bill in Parliament against Sedition.

Prince: But that's a key part of our war on terror!

Brownadder: They are saying that we're using the threat of French Jacobinism to ride rough-shod over the rights of Englishmen.

Prince: But I thought they supported the war?

Brownadder: Their new leader, Cameron the Younger, claims that we sexed up the report on the Terror in France.

Prince: Well, damn his eyes, Brownadder! I thought the Tories were supposed to be on the side of law and order!

Brownadder: Well, sir, they are more concerned about the increase in highway robbery. They are also asking questions about the sale of peerages.

Prince: Surely they're not against that, Brownadder; it's what they're for - an age-old English tradition.

Brownadder: They're not against it, sir. They say you're not getting enough for them and the shortfall has to be made up by increased customs duties.

Prince: Damn it all, Brownadder, what are we going to do?

Brrownadder: This Cameron is trying to move his party away from the reactionary, eighteenth-century landowner caricature of aristocratic wealth and privilege to a more modern, forward-looking, nineteenth-century image - more in tune with the common man.

Prince: Doesn't sound like any of the fat, bigoted Tories that I know and love.

Brownadder: Ah, but Cameron is a typical Tory toff, he attended an elite public school and his grandfather was a baronet. He is about as common as a lesser spotted woodpecker at a barnacle goose convention.

Prince: How does that help us?

Brownadder: May I suggest that before your interview with the Times, I have a quiet, off-the-record word with the reporter about Cameron's privileged background?

Prince: I see, Brownadder. We show him for the two-faced Tory fat cat that he is!

Brownadder: Indeed, sir, I think that would be the prudent strategy.

Later, In the Kitchen

Brownadder: Right, Ballsrick, when the reporter from the Times turns up show him straight in to me. Once the British public notice the silver spoon in his mouth, they'll be a lot less interested in what he has to say.

Ballsrick: Didn't the Prince go to an elite public school?

Brownadder: Yes, Ballsrick?

Ballsrick: If you get people talking about Cameron's privileged background, won't they start thinking about the Prince's privileged background?

Brownadder: They might Ballsrick. In which case it would be prudent for the Prince to step into the background and let a more competent person manage his affairs.

The End

Royal editor admits phone tapping

In today's news, the royal editor of the News of the World newspaper has pleaded guilty to phone tapping.

A spokesflunkey for Prince Charles allegedly said:
'We would get these phone calls out of the blue and all you could hear was this tap-tap-tap noise. We thought that it was possibly Morse Code but why would someone send a message consisting of the letter E repeated over and over again? Turns out it was the royal editor of the News of the World.'

A Government spokesman said:
'Although we can confirm that the editor is not actually a member of the Royal Family, we cannot stop him calling himself Royal Editor any more than we can prevent people referring to Royal Jelly, Queen Bees, King Prawns or Emperor Penguins.'

The Institute of Plumbing and Heating Engineers stressed that telephones should not be attached to household plumbing.

Tuesday, 28 November 2006

Pope begins landmark turkey visit

Pope Benedict XVI begins landmark turkey visit on his first trip to a poultry farm since acceding to the papacy.

The visit has been overshadowed by anger among many turkeys, enraged by comments the Pontiff made about what to have for dinner on Christmas Day.

A spokesturkey for the political organisation Turkeys Against Christmas said of the Roman Pontiff:

'What have the Romans ever done for us?'

Meanwhile, the Vatican released the following statement:

'His holiness the Pope wholeheartedly condemns the massacres of innocent Muslims, Jews and non-Catholic Christians that were perpetrated during the medieval crusades, but notes that no turkeys were actually killed at the time as they did not reach Europe until after the discovery and conquest of the Americas (for which he also apologises). Sorry.'

Friday, 10 November 2006

Shy Bladder, Bashful Bowel

There was an obsessive compulsive,
With bowels in spasms convulsive,
But they just couldn't do,
A poo on the loo,
'Cause they found public toilets repulsive.

In today's
news, we learn that the UK National Phobics Society is launching a campaign to help the estimated 4 million UK people who suffer from toilet phobia.

Thursday, 9 November 2006

Dumpty Rumpty

Donald Rumsfeld was set on a war.
Donald Rumsfeld was terribly sure.
But American forces and American men,
Couldn't put Iraq together again.

Wednesday, 8 November 2006

Three Blind Mice

In today's news we hear that UK scientists have restored sight to a few blind mice by transplanting precursor retinal cells into their damaged eyes.

When questioned as to how they can be sure that the mice can now see, the scientists retorted: "See how they run, they all ran after the farmer's wife; before this, they just use to blunder around bumping into things!"

However, doctors announced that they had been unable to reattach the blind mice's severed tails: "If they had been packed in a wet tea-towel with a packet of frozen peas we might have had a chance."

Later, police raided Old MacDonald's farm and a woman was taken into custody; a spokesman said, "We are awaiting the results of forensic tests on a carving knife found at the scene."

Wednesday, 1 November 2006

Today in History: Writing Invented

History, of course, began exactly 5000 years ago today, when writing was invented in ancient Sumer (modern day Iraq).

Those first pieces of writing, made by poking the end of a reed into a clay tablet, will have long since decayed into dust; but we can guess with reasonable certainty that the very first words written were:
'You ain't read nothing yet!'

The rest, as they say, is history.