Thursday, 24 May 2007

95% of people facing hell

In today's news, a prominent Church of England theologian has claimed that 95% of people are going to Hell.

This was immediately condemned by the leader of the Conservatory Party, who accused traditionalists of:
"clinging on to outdated mantras that bear no relation to the reality of life."

He went on to insist that his party vehemently opposed the idea of selecting people for Heaven or Hell at the age of 11, arguing that middle class parents could coach a less gifted child to do better in an exam at age 11 than a bright child from a less well-off background.

A spokesman for the Labouratory Party said:
"Whilst we certainly oppose a return to the 11+ and the grammar school/secondary modern system, we do not oppose selection per se provided it is relevant to the particular specialism in question.

The Government has no objection to people being selected for Heaven based on their aptitude for the activities that go on there - singing, talking to God, watering pot plants, etc. Equally, we would expect Hell to select on the basis of abilities appropriate to its sphere of excellence: adultery, pillage, torture and that sort of thing."

Monday, 21 May 2007

UK Planning Laws

In today's news, the UK Government has announced plans to cut the red tape surrounding planning applications in order to speed up the process for approving building projects such as conservatories, loft-conversions, wind-turbines, airport runways or nuclear power stations.

A government spokesman said:
"We need to replace the existing incredibly difficult system with something more efficient, obviously we can't have people simply building a garage where they like, if it cuts out a neighbour's view; but surely if someone has sufficient space, storage facilities and radio-active waste management systems then why should they have to wait 3 months for planning permission to build a nuclear power station in their back garden?"

A representative of the Conservatories Party said:
"We agree that the planning process for things like wind-turbines should be made simpler - especially as a novelty wind-turbine can cut household carbon-emissions in a typical Notting Hill home by 0.5% and boost Tory poll ratings by a similar margin.

However, we condemn the government's proposals regarding major building projects as this will obviously lead to more of these things being built in well-heeled Tory-voting constituencies rather than in down-at-heel Labour-voting areas."

Thursday, 10 May 2007

Changing of the Guard

The story so far:

Dour Scot, Captain Gordon Brownadder, a professional soldier in the British Army, has been in the trenches since the start of the Great War. Aided by his batman, the babbling Private Edward Ballsrick, the ambitious Brownadder is anxious to advance his position in the army and is continually frustrating the orders he receives from General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Blair's HQ.

In the Dug-Out

Brownadder: Right, Ballsrick, I'm off to HQ. I'm expecting that damned fool General Blair to finally announce his retirement.

Ballsrick: There's been a lot of talk amongst the troops about who should replace him. Will it be that nice General Cameron?

Brownadder: No it won't, Ballsrick, the last thing we need is another wet-behind-the-ears, rugger-bugger, public school type. This is a modern war not the playing fields of Eton.

Ballsrick: So who should take over then, sir?

Brownadder: I think the prudent strategy would be for an experienced soldier to take over.

Staff HQ

Blair: Alistair, darling, is Brownadder here yet?

Darling: Captain Brownadder has just arrived now, sir.

Blair: Ah, Brownadder! Do sit down.

Brownadder: I'm surprised that you are here, sir, I thought you were in Ireland.

Blair: I've just got back, Brownadder: mission accomplished!

Brownadder: Indeed, sir? What mission was that?

Blair: A Government mission to bring about peace in Ireland, Brownadder.

Brownadder: But the IRA's avowed intent is to create a united independent Ireland!

Blair: Ah yes, Brownadder, but now we've enticed them into a broad-based coalition government. You see it's the traditional British strategy: get the natives to run their own local affairs and then they'll soon find out that they rather like being British.

Brownadder: But these are convicted murderers and terrorists, aren't they?

Blair: Oh yes, Brownadder, so the cut-and-thrust of politics shouldn't come as too much of a shock for them.

Brownadder: Ah!

Blair: Anyway, Brownadder, I've called you here today to announce my forthcoming retirement. I've been in command now for over a decade and it's time for me to move on and let someone else shoulder the burden.

Brownadder: I see, sir, the endless futility of this war would get any man down - you must wonder what we have achieved.

Blair: Not at all, Brownadder, we've achieved a great deal.

Brownadder: Some people might say that we've got ourselves mired in a costly war, completely dependent on the Americans to get us out of it. In terms of our objective to finish the war by Christmas and make Britain a land fit for heroes, we do seem to be some way off the mark.

Blair: Tish and tosh, Brownadder! I think you'll find that this war has a lot more popular support than you imagine - that's why they call it the Great War. Anyway, we have a terrific new plan to end the war.

Brownadder: What's that, sir?

Blair: Passchendaele, Brownadder, a large area of marshy ground that our artillery can turn into endless mud - thus isolating the Germans in their well-defended pillboxes and machine-gun nests while our tanks and troops advance towards them.

Brownadder: Hardly a new plan is it, sir?

Blair: Well, admittedly we have used the same tactics and in the same place a couple of time before - but third time lucky, eh, Brownadder!

Brownadder: I'm sure that's what the German General Von Kameron will be hoping.

Blair: I'm sure he's quaking in his impregnable concrete bunker even as we speak; and well he might, Brownadder, because you will be the man to co-ordinate this offensive. There are a few formalities to go through, but within a few weeks I'm confident that you will be promoted to General and taking over from me here at HQ.

Brownadder: Well, sir, what an unexpected honour.

Blair: Yes, it is a bit unexpected, but I want you to know that you were my first choice as successor.

Brownadder: So this list of crossed-out names on your desk isn't all the other people you tried first?

Blair: No, no, of course not.

Brownadder: Despite the fact that it says: list of people to promote instead of Brownadder? Captain Milliband, Captain Reid, Captain Clarke, Private Ballsrick?

Blair: Now then, Brownadder, you know I've always supported you.

Brownadder: Indeed, sir, and I have always supported you.

Later, In the Dug-Out

Ballsrick: So how does it feel to have all that you have sought finally within reach?

Brownadder: Great, Ballsrick: Command of the Western Front, the chance to run things properly, the chance to tell that General Cameron exactly what I think of him.

Ballsrick: But isn't it funny, sir, that no-one else wanted the job.

Brownadder: Hmmm

The End

Wednesday, 9 May 2007

Government of the Living Dead

In today's news, David Cameron, leader of the UK Conservative party, has said that the UK Prime Minister, Tony Blair, is presiding over "a government of the living dead."

Lal Bihari, President of Mritak Sangh (the Association of the Dead), said:
"We're just a small political party in northern India representing the living dead. We are campaigning for the reinstatement of the legal rights of people wrongly declared dead by unscrupulous relatives trying to steal their assets.

Whilst we hope to do well in the current elections in Uttar Pradesh, I don't think that Tony Blair or any other members of the UK Labour party have applied to join our party."

A spokesman for the Tory party said:
"It has been established that persons who have recently died have been returning to life and committing acts of murder. This is a shocking indictment of the government's policies and we think that the current Home Secretary should cancel his decision to resign from the cabinet and then resign over this matter instead."

Friday, 4 May 2007

2007 UK mid-term election results

In today's news, the UK's ruling Labour party performed badly in the UK's local and regional elections.

The opposition Conservative Party leader David Cameron said:
"This is a remarkable victory for the Tory party, we have driven Labour from power in Scotland and reduced them to a minority administration in Wales. This is a complete vindication of our decision to adopt Tony Blair's strategy of not actually announcing any policies when attacking a weak and divided government that has been in power for too long. Surely nothing as momentous as this has happened since my hero, Tony Blair, led Labour to its 1997 electoral triumph?"

The Prime Minister, and Labour Leader, Tony Blair said:
"Speaking as a party leader who has already announced that he is stepping down within weeks, I really don't care diddly squat about these elections."

Earlier in the day, Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party, said:
"It really is a scandal how dim-witted Scots were expected to successfully fill in a couple of ballot sheets, we will certainly be looking for a full inquiry into the number of spoilt papers and any potential impact to actual electoral results."

Later in the day, Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party, said:
"Having just realised that the SNP is now the largest party in the Scottish Parliament, I must say that this is a complete vindication of the unique electoral system we have here in Scotland."

When it was suggested that Gordon Brown, a Scottish Labour MP, couldn't possibly be Prime Minister of the UK if Labour wasn't also running the Scottish Parliament, he could have asked:
"Did anyone say that when Margaret Thatcher, a London MP, found that the Greater London Council was run by Labour."

But he didn't said anything, he was just biding his time.

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

MTV Movie Awards

NewsElephant reviews some of the films nominated for the prestigious MTV Movie Awards.

In 480 BC, the Persian emperor G. W. Xerxes is convinced that the Greek city-states are stockpiling weapons of mass destruction. After the Greeks refuse access to the Persian inspectors, Xerxes sends in his army. A force of 300 Spartan and 700 Thespian insurgents pin the Persian army down in a costly, bloody and highly controversial war. The film has been widely condemned as historically inaccurate for its portrayal of the Persians as dehumanised monsters, the Spartans as narcissistic proto-fascists and the Thespians as vain, histrionic, ham actors.

Mr Blair’s Holiday
The title character, Tony Blair, is a childlike, sometimes ingenious, and generally likeable buffoon who frequently gets into hilarious situations due to his various schemes and contrivances. The humour largely comes from his original solutions to any problems and his total disregard for others when solving them. The action is mainly staged in and around Mr Blair’s home in Downing Street; the plot revolves around a misunderstanding with Mr Blair’s neighbour, Mr Brown, which ultimately leads to Mr Blair losing his job and his house, No. 10, and having to go on a long holiday.

Shrek the Third
In the Land of Far Far Away, President Shrek is desperate to find a suitable successor before he has to return to live in the swamp; but finding a promising contender is more difficult than he thought. In a hilarious Republican romp, Shrek frantically discards candidate after candidate, finding them either too liberal or too unpopular but not one which is ‘just right’. Will he find a compassionate conservative in time or will the evil Democrats beat him to it? Watch out for skeletons in cupboards.

Tuesday, 1 May 2007

A Scot could become Prime Minister

In today's news, on the 300th Anniversary of the Union between England and Scotland, Tony Blair, the Edinburgh-born Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, who is soon to stand down after 10 years in power, astonished Labour Party workers at a rally in Scotland by telling them:
"In all probability, a Scot will become Prime Minister of the United Kingdom."