Wednesday, 16 April 2008

Brown Dot

In a country that was once seen as an economic success, ordinary people are now struggling to pay for basics such as food, fuel and housing against a background of rampant inflation and economic meltdown. Its leader continues to hang on to power, surrounded by a small coterie of henchmen loyal to a party that has ruled unopposed for many years.

The President of Zimbabwe has described the situation in Britain as appalling. His calls for neighbouring countries to put pressure on Brown went unheeded when France's President Sarkozy visited London but refused to criticise the PM.

President Mugabe, condemning Prime Minister Gordon Brown's rejection of a poll showing 68% of Britons no longer have confidence in him, declared:
"The democratic rights of the British people have got to be respected. I have called many general elections, the number of general elections that Mr Brown has called is zero, nothing, nada, zip, dot."

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Labour’s ICBM Poll Woe

Brown is most-reviled PM since Blair

As the Tories celebrate another opinion poll showing a commanding lead over Labour, public confidence in Gordon Brown plummets across all key issues.

How would you describe the UK‘s economic outlook?
8% Growth may slow a tad
9% 1930s-Style Depression
83% A new dark age of barter and subsistence farming

Who is responsible for the recession that hasn’t actually happened yet?
11% Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown
1% Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King
88% Prime Minister, Gordon Brown

How do you regard green taxes?
5% Too little, too late. Environmental catastrophe is upon us!
1% Sensible moves to reduce carbon emissions
94% A scam by Gordon Brown to fleece the hard-pressed motorist

Why are UK businesses employing immigrant workers?
7% Foreign workers have vital skills and are hard-working
5% UK workers are feckless and workshy
88% Gordon Brown is kowtowing to unelected EU bureaucrats

How would you describe law and order in the UK?
4% Crime is down, but violence and guns remain a problem
4% Criminals go unpunished while their victims suffer
92% Society has collapsed into a Bladerunner-style distopia

Who is most to blame for problems in Zimbabwe?
19% Robert Mugabe
2% Thabo Mbeki
79% Gordon Brown

Who caused the death of Princess Diana?
4% Her drunken, speeding driver
1% The Duke of Edinburgh and MI6
95% Gordon Brown

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Thursday, 3 April 2008

Mayoral Comedy Condemned

Critics pan London Mayor sitcom

TV bosses are in the firing line over the latest prime-time sitcom, "Citizen Boris". The controversial show revolves around the farcical antics of various candidates in the London Mayoral Election.

The Daily Nail rubbished the programme, declaring that “the portrayal of the Conservative candidate as an old-Etonian buffoon is just a sad rehash of 1960s satirical stereotypes.”

The Labour candidate is depicted as a crypto-socialist, forever concocting new taxes targeted at the rich. The Undependent asked: “have the writers been marooned on a desert island? This kind of early 80s Trotskyite would never get passed New Labour’s selection process.”

Even the Daily Repress was shocked at the representation of the Lib Dem candidate as a gay man: “This is the 21st Century, we left the caricature of the limp-wristed Liberal politician back in the 1970s.”

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Hercules in New Labour

Greek hero cleans Augean health service.

The Telegraphos - a medium for spreading news amongst ancient people - has been unearthed by archaeologists at a dig in Knossos. It was found amongst a horde of ancient Greek tablets believed to have been used in the Cretan health service over 3000 years ago.

Astonished scholars deciphering its ‘Linear B’ script have discovered fascinating descriptions of the ancient Greek world, including a tragic sequel to the Twelve Labours of Hercules.

The mythological Greek hero was ordered by the fearsome Gorgon Brown to clean all the Augean hospitals in a single day. Alas, the deep clean strategy failed and Hercules' aged father Zeus died after contracting MRSA.

Other stories in the deciphered text portray a turbulent world we can only dimly understand: "Economy Slumps as Olive Oil Price Peaks"; "War on Troy Claims 4000th Victim"; "Priests Warn of Human-Animal Hybrids: Bull-Headed Men and Snake-Haired Women"; and "Sparta Condemns Foreign Critics amid Calls for Olympic Boycott".

[Also on THE tART website]