In the Company of Cheerful Politicians

[You will not get this unless you have read the No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith]

Mma Cameron was waiting patiently in the little white van as a herd of impala scurried across Birdcage Walk and into St James' Park. As the sun reflected off the backs of crocodiles in the lake, Mma Cameron reflected on the need to start taking climate change a lot more seriously.

A great white stork was waddling around in front of the No. 1 Conservative Ladies’ Election Agency, but Mma Cameron was again happy to wait for it to move out of the way before parking the van under the acacia tree. "It is so often the case in life that it is better not hurry if you know where you are going and how to get there," mused Mma Cameron

Mma Osborne looked up when Mma Cameron entered the office, "Would you like a cup of Bush tea, Mma? I'm afraid we'll have to wait for the kettle to boil."

Mma Cameron nodded, "We have become very good at waiting, Mma"

"Yes," replied Mma Osborne, "we successfully waited for Mr A. C. L. Blair to go and for Mr J. G. Brown to become unpopular…"

"…and for our great victory in the local elections and Mr A. B. de P. Johnson to become Mayor of London," added Mma Cameron.

"So what are we waiting for next?" asked Mma Osborne.

"Oh, that accident prone Mr J. G. Brown is bound to hit trouble again soon," said Mma Cameron, "he's always chopping and changing; unlike us, he doesn't take a principled and consistent position on policies."

"Indeed, Mma, like our commitment to make significant reductions in tax and cut public spending..." suggested Mma Osborne.

Mma Cameron quickly cut in, "No, no, we advocate improving public services by cutting waste and implementing efficiencies."

"Oh, I thought that was Mr J. G. Brown's policy," puzzled Mma Osborne, "I suppose the difference is that he's always pandering to a disunited party whereas you force any rebels to resign - like Mr D. M. Davis."

Eyes rolling, Mma Cameron patiently explained, "Mr D. M. Davis resigned in a principled stand against the Government's 42-day detention plan for terror suspects and the erosion of human rights."

"But I thought we were against human rights for terrorists - isn't that why we intend to repeal the Human Rights Act?" said Mma Osborne looking confused again, "Anyway, our commitment to cut taxes on petrol will play well with the public, won't it? Everyone knows this climate change stuff is just a cover story for stealth taxes!"

"No, no, we're committed to cutting the UK's carbon emissions as part of our green agenda," corrected Mma Cameron.

"Isn't that Mr J. G. Brown's policy?" asked Mma Osborne.

There was silence as they both thought for a moment.

"So what is our main policy difference compared to Mr J. G. Brown?" queried Mma Osborne.

Mma Cameron smiled, "The key difference is that Mr J. G. Brown thinks he should be in charge - and we don't!"

They both laughed out loud. Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “Should we have another cup of Bush tea?”

Anti-Cluedo

Board Game to get 21st Century Revamp

Commentators were aghast this week, as plans were revealed for an updated version of Cluedo. The board game industry's journal, Dice & Counters Monthly, announced that, while the basic murder premise remained the same, the whodunit concept would be turned on its head.

In Anti-Cluedo, we all know who is responsible - Gordon Brown, obviously - the object is to find out who the victim is and how they were killed.

Out go Professor Plum, Colonel Mustard, the billiard room, the lead piping and all the other familiar aspects of the game. In come characters, places and objects recognisable from the modern world.

Who was the victim?
…the goth kicked and stamped to death by feral youths in the park?
…the polish migrant worker stabbed by her boyfriend in the street?
…the father of four beaten and punched by drunken chavs outside his house?
…the asylum seeker knifed by racists as he left the library?
…the 10-year old killed by a speeding SUV on the way to school?
…the UK economy battered by inflation and loan defaults in the credit crunch?

Spirit Guides to Strike

Psychics predict chaos will follow new law on mediums

Amon-Ptah, an ancient Egyptian priest, has condemned plans to extend consumer protection legislation to cover fortune-tellers and faith healers.

Speaking via medium, Lesley Mode, he said, “This will provoke strike action by spirit guides in the astral plane. Contact with the dead and visions of the future will be withdrawn. Powers to heal by touch or incantation will not be supported.”

Cloud Rain, a 10,000 year old Native American shaman speaking through psychic Sybil Bonkers, predicted chaos: “How will the bereaved perpetuate their grief without receiving ambiguous and anodyne advice in séances? How can people plan ahead, without knowing in which month they will be lucky in love? How will the incurably sick be miraculously cured just prior to dying?”

Essex-based clairvoyant, Clare Voint, foresaw trouble: “Something will happen, possibly involving people. I see a building near water. A man with a medical condition affecting his upper body may die. That’s £200, please.”

A government spokesman sought to quell fears that the bemused and reality-challenged might be targeted by people trying to make a load of cash through loopholes in the law. “That’s precisely what we’re trying to stop,” he said.

Brown Dot

In a country that was once seen as an economic success, ordinary people are now struggling to pay for basics such as food, fuel and housing against a background of rampant inflation and economic meltdown. Its leader continues to hang on to power, surrounded by a small coterie of henchmen loyal to a party that has ruled unopposed for many years.

The President of Zimbabwe has described the situation in Britain as appalling. His calls for neighbouring countries to put pressure on Brown went unheeded when France's President Sarkozy visited London but refused to criticise the PM.

President Mugabe, condemning Prime Minister Gordon Brown's rejection of a poll showing 68% of Britons no longer have confidence in him, declared:

"The democratic rights of the British people have got to be respected. I have called many general elections, the number of general elections that Mr Brown has called is zero, nothing, nada, zip, dot."

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Labour’s ICBM Poll Woe

Brown is most-reviled PM since Blair

As the Tories celebrate another opinion poll showing a commanding lead over Labour, public confidence in Gordon Brown plummets across all key issues.

How would you describe the UK‘s economic outlook?
8% Growth may slow a tad
9% 1930s-Style Depression
83% A new dark age of barter and subsistence farming

Who is responsible for the recession that hasn’t actually happened yet?
11% Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown
1% Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King
88% Prime Minister, Gordon Brown

How do you regard green taxes?
5% Too little, too late. Environmental catastrophe is upon us!
1% Sensible moves to reduce carbon emissions
94% A scam by Gordon Brown to fleece the hard-pressed motorist

Why are UK businesses employing immigrant workers?
7% Foreign workers have vital skills and are hard-working
5% UK workers are feckless and workshy
88% Gordon Brown is kowtowing to unelected EU bureaucrats

How would you describe law and order in the UK?
4% Crime is down, but violence and guns remain a problem
4% Criminals go unpunished while their victims suffer
92% Society has collapsed into a Bladerunner-style distopia

Who is most to blame for problems in Zimbabwe?
19% Robert Mugabe
2% Thabo Mbeki
79% Gordon Brown

Who caused the death of Princess Diana?
4% Her drunken, speeding driver
1% The Duke of Edinburgh and MI6
95% Gordon Brown

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Mayoral Comedy Condemned

Critics pan London Mayor sitcom

TV bosses are in the firing line over the latest prime-time sitcom, "Citizen Boris". The controversial show revolves around the farcical antics of various candidates in the London Mayoral Election.

The Daily Nail rubbished the programme, declaring that “the portrayal of the Conservative candidate as an old-Etonian buffoon is just a sad rehash of 1960s satirical stereotypes.”

The Labour candidate is depicted as a crypto-socialist, forever concocting new taxes targeted at the rich. The Undependent asked: “have the writers been marooned on a desert island? This kind of early 80s Trotskyite would never get passed New Labour’s selection process.”

Even the Daily Repress was shocked at the representation of the Lib Dem candidate as a gay man: “This is the 21st Century, we left the caricature of the limp-wristed Liberal politician back in the 1970s.”

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Hercules in New Labour

Greek hero cleans Augean health service.

The Telegraphos - a medium for spreading news amongst ancient people - has been unearthed by archaeologists at a dig in Knossos. It was found amongst a horde of ancient Greek tablets believed to have been used in the Cretan health service over 3000 years ago.

Astonished scholars deciphering its ‘Linear B’ script have discovered fascinating descriptions of the ancient Greek world, including a tragic sequel to the Twelve Labours of Hercules.

The mythological Greek hero was ordered by the fearsome Gorgon Brown to clean all the Augean hospitals in a single day. Alas, the deep clean strategy failed and Hercules' aged father Zeus died after contracting MRSA.

Other stories in the deciphered text portray a turbulent world we can only dimly understand: "Economy Slumps as Olive Oil Price Peaks"; "War on Troy Claims 4000th Victim"; "Priests Warn of Human-Animal Hybrids: Bull-Headed Men and Snake-Haired Women"; and "Sparta Condemns Foreign Critics amid Calls for Olympic Boycott".

[Also on THE tART website]