Friday 11 July 2008
Thursday 19 June 2008
In the Company of Cheerful Politicians
Mma Cameron was waiting patiently in the little white van as a herd of impala scurried across Birdcage Walk and into St James' Park. As the sun reflected off the backs of crocodiles in the lake, Mma Cameron reflected on the need to start taking climate change a lot more seriously.
A great white stork was waddling around in front of the No. 1 Conservative Ladies’ Election Agency, but Mma Cameron was again happy to wait for it to move out of the way before parking the van under the acacia tree. "It is so often the case in life that it is better not hurry if you know where you are going and how to get there," mused Mma Cameron
Mma Osborne looked up when Mma Cameron entered the office, "Would you like a cup of Bush tea, Mma? I'm afraid we'll have to wait for the kettle to boil."
Mma Cameron nodded, "We have become very good at waiting, Mma"
"Yes," replied Mma Osborne, "we successfully waited for Mr A. C. L. Blair to go and for Mr J. G. Brown to become unpopular…"
"…and for our great victory in the local elections and Mr A. B. de P. Johnson to become Mayor of London," added Mma Cameron.
"So what are we waiting for next?" asked Mma Osborne.
"Oh, that accident prone Mr J. G. Brown is bound to hit trouble again soon," said Mma Cameron, "he's always chopping and changing; unlike us, he doesn't take a principled and consistent position on policies."
"Indeed, Mma, like our commitment to make significant reductions in tax and cut public spending..." suggested Mma Osborne.
Mma Cameron quickly cut in, "No, no, we advocate improving public services by cutting waste and implementing efficiencies."
"Oh, I thought that was Mr J. G. Brown's policy," puzzled Mma Osborne, "I suppose the difference is that he's always pandering to a disunited party whereas you force any rebels to resign - like Mr D. M. Davis."
Eyes rolling, Mma Cameron patiently explained, "Mr D. M. Davis resigned in a principled stand against the Government's 42-day detention plan for terror suspects and the erosion of human rights."
"But I thought we were against human rights for terrorists - isn't that why we intend to repeal the Human Rights Act?" said Mma Osborne looking confused again, "Anyway, our commitment to cut taxes on petrol will play well with the public, won't it? Everyone knows this climate change stuff is just a cover story for stealth taxes!"
"No, no, we're committed to cutting the UK's carbon emissions as part of our green agenda," corrected Mma Cameron.
"Isn't that Mr J. G. Brown's policy?" asked Mma Osborne.
There was silence as they both thought for a moment.
"So what is our main policy difference compared to Mr J. G. Brown?" queried Mma Osborne.
Mma Cameron smiled, "The key difference is that Mr J. G. Brown thinks he should be in charge - and we don't!"
They both laughed out loud. Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “Should we have another cup of Bush tea?”
Saturday 17 May 2008
Anti-Cluedo
Board Game to get 21st Century Revamp
Commentators were aghast this week, as plans were revealed for an updated version of Cluedo. The board game industry's journal, Dice & Counters Monthly, announced that, while the basic murder premise remained the same, the whodunit concept would be turned on its head.
In Anti-Cluedo, we all know who is responsible - Gordon Brown, obviously - the object is to find out who the victim is and how they were killed.
Out go Professor Plum, Colonel Mustard, the billiard room, the lead piping and all the other familiar aspects of the game. In come characters, places and objects recognisable from the modern world.
Who was the victim?
…the goth kicked and stamped to death by feral youths in the park?
…the polish migrant worker stabbed by her boyfriend in the street?
…the father of four beaten and punched by drunken chavs outside his house?
…the asylum seeker knifed by racists as he left the library?
…the 10-year old killed by a speeding SUV on the way to school?
…the UK economy battered by inflation and loan defaults in the credit crunch?
Commentators were aghast this week, as plans were revealed for an updated version of Cluedo. The board game industry's journal, Dice & Counters Monthly, announced that, while the basic murder premise remained the same, the whodunit concept would be turned on its head.
In Anti-Cluedo, we all know who is responsible - Gordon Brown, obviously - the object is to find out who the victim is and how they were killed.
Out go Professor Plum, Colonel Mustard, the billiard room, the lead piping and all the other familiar aspects of the game. In come characters, places and objects recognisable from the modern world.
Who was the victim?
…the goth kicked and stamped to death by feral youths in the park?
…the polish migrant worker stabbed by her boyfriend in the street?
…the father of four beaten and punched by drunken chavs outside his house?
…the asylum seeker knifed by racists as he left the library?
…the 10-year old killed by a speeding SUV on the way to school?
…the UK economy battered by inflation and loan defaults in the credit crunch?
Sunday 4 May 2008
Spirit Guides to Strike
Psychics predict chaos will follow new law on mediums
Amon-Ptah, an ancient Egyptian priest, has condemned plans to extend consumer protection legislation to cover fortune-tellers and faith healers.
Speaking via medium, Lesley Mode, he said, “This will provoke strike action by spirit guides in the astral plane. Contact with the dead and visions of the future will be withdrawn. Powers to heal by touch or incantation will not be supported.”
Cloud Rain, a 10,000 year old Native American shaman speaking through psychic Sybil Bonkers, predicted chaos: “How will the bereaved perpetuate their grief without receiving ambiguous and anodyne advice in séances? How can people plan ahead, without knowing in which month they will be lucky in love? How will the incurably sick be miraculously cured just prior to dying?”
Essex-based clairvoyant, Clare Voint, foresaw trouble: “Something will happen, possibly involving people. I see a building near water. A man with a medical condition affecting his upper body may die. That’s £200, please.”
A government spokesman sought to quell fears that the bemused and reality-challenged might be targeted by people trying to make a load of cash through loopholes in the law. “That’s precisely what we’re trying to stop,” he said.
Amon-Ptah, an ancient Egyptian priest, has condemned plans to extend consumer protection legislation to cover fortune-tellers and faith healers.
Speaking via medium, Lesley Mode, he said, “This will provoke strike action by spirit guides in the astral plane. Contact with the dead and visions of the future will be withdrawn. Powers to heal by touch or incantation will not be supported.”
Cloud Rain, a 10,000 year old Native American shaman speaking through psychic Sybil Bonkers, predicted chaos: “How will the bereaved perpetuate their grief without receiving ambiguous and anodyne advice in séances? How can people plan ahead, without knowing in which month they will be lucky in love? How will the incurably sick be miraculously cured just prior to dying?”
Essex-based clairvoyant, Clare Voint, foresaw trouble: “Something will happen, possibly involving people. I see a building near water. A man with a medical condition affecting his upper body may die. That’s £200, please.”
A government spokesman sought to quell fears that the bemused and reality-challenged might be targeted by people trying to make a load of cash through loopholes in the law. “That’s precisely what we’re trying to stop,” he said.
Wednesday 16 April 2008
Brown Dot
In a country that was once seen as an economic success, ordinary people are now struggling to pay for basics such as food, fuel and housing against a background of rampant inflation and economic meltdown. Its leader continues to hang on to power, surrounded by a small coterie of henchmen loyal to a party that has ruled unopposed for many years.
The President of Zimbabwe has described the situation in Britain as appalling. His calls for neighbouring countries to put pressure on Brown went unheeded when France's President Sarkozy visited London but refused to criticise the PM.
President Mugabe, condemning Prime Minister Gordon Brown's rejection of a poll showing 68% of Britons no longer have confidence in him, declared:
The President of Zimbabwe has described the situation in Britain as appalling. His calls for neighbouring countries to put pressure on Brown went unheeded when France's President Sarkozy visited London but refused to criticise the PM.
President Mugabe, condemning Prime Minister Gordon Brown's rejection of a poll showing 68% of Britons no longer have confidence in him, declared:
"The democratic rights of the British people have got to be respected. I have called many general elections, the number of general elections that Mr Brown has called is zero, nothing, nada, zip, dot."
Tuesday 15 April 2008
Labour’s ICBM Poll Woe
Brown is most-reviled PM since Blair
As the Tories celebrate another opinion poll showing a commanding lead over Labour, public confidence in Gordon Brown plummets across all key issues.
How would you describe the UK‘s economic outlook?
8% Growth may slow a tad
9% 1930s-Style Depression
83% A new dark age of barter and subsistence farming
Who is responsible for the recession that hasn’t actually happened yet?
11% Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown
1% Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King
88% Prime Minister, Gordon Brown
How do you regard green taxes?
5% Too little, too late. Environmental catastrophe is upon us!
1% Sensible moves to reduce carbon emissions
94% A scam by Gordon Brown to fleece the hard-pressed motorist
Why are UK businesses employing immigrant workers?
7% Foreign workers have vital skills and are hard-working
5% UK workers are feckless and workshy
88% Gordon Brown is kowtowing to unelected EU bureaucrats
How would you describe law and order in the UK?
4% Crime is down, but violence and guns remain a problem
4% Criminals go unpunished while their victims suffer
92% Society has collapsed into a Bladerunner-style distopia
Who is most to blame for problems in Zimbabwe?
19% Robert Mugabe
2% Thabo Mbeki
79% Gordon Brown
Who caused the death of Princess Diana?
4% Her drunken, speeding driver
1% The Duke of Edinburgh and MI6
95% Gordon Brown
[Also shown on THE tART website]
Thursday 3 April 2008
Mayoral Comedy Condemned
Critics pan London Mayor sitcom
TV bosses are in the firing line over the latest prime-time sitcom, "Citizen Boris". The controversial show revolves around the farcical antics of various candidates in the London Mayoral Election.
The Daily Nail rubbished the programme, declaring that “the portrayal of the Conservative candidate as an old-Etonian buffoon is just a sad rehash of 1960s satirical stereotypes.”
The Labour candidate is depicted as a crypto-socialist, forever concocting new taxes targeted at the rich. The Undependent asked: “have the writers been marooned on a desert island? This kind of early 80s Trotskyite would never get passed New Labour’s selection process.”
Even the Daily Repress was shocked at the representation of the Lib Dem candidate as a gay man: “This is the 21st Century, we left the caricature of the limp-wristed Liberal politician back in the 1970s.”
[Also shown on THE tART website]
TV bosses are in the firing line over the latest prime-time sitcom, "Citizen Boris". The controversial show revolves around the farcical antics of various candidates in the London Mayoral Election.
The Daily Nail rubbished the programme, declaring that “the portrayal of the Conservative candidate as an old-Etonian buffoon is just a sad rehash of 1960s satirical stereotypes.”
The Labour candidate is depicted as a crypto-socialist, forever concocting new taxes targeted at the rich. The Undependent asked: “have the writers been marooned on a desert island? This kind of early 80s Trotskyite would never get passed New Labour’s selection process.”
Even the Daily Repress was shocked at the representation of the Lib Dem candidate as a gay man: “This is the 21st Century, we left the caricature of the limp-wristed Liberal politician back in the 1970s.”
[Also shown on THE tART website]
Hercules in New Labour
Greek hero cleans Augean health service.
The Telegraphos - a medium for spreading news amongst ancient people - has been unearthed by archaeologists at a dig in Knossos. It was found amongst a horde of ancient Greek tablets believed to have been used in the Cretan health service over 3000 years ago.
Astonished scholars deciphering its ‘Linear B’ script have discovered fascinating descriptions of the ancient Greek world, including a tragic sequel to the Twelve Labours of Hercules.
The mythological Greek hero was ordered by the fearsome Gorgon Brown to clean all the Augean hospitals in a single day. Alas, the deep clean strategy failed and Hercules' aged father Zeus died after contracting MRSA.
Other stories in the deciphered text portray a turbulent world we can only dimly understand: "Economy Slumps as Olive Oil Price Peaks"; "War on Troy Claims 4000th Victim"; "Priests Warn of Human-Animal Hybrids: Bull-Headed Men and Snake-Haired Women"; and "Sparta Condemns Foreign Critics amid Calls for Olympic Boycott".
[Also on THE tART website]
The Telegraphos - a medium for spreading news amongst ancient people - has been unearthed by archaeologists at a dig in Knossos. It was found amongst a horde of ancient Greek tablets believed to have been used in the Cretan health service over 3000 years ago.
Astonished scholars deciphering its ‘Linear B’ script have discovered fascinating descriptions of the ancient Greek world, including a tragic sequel to the Twelve Labours of Hercules.
The mythological Greek hero was ordered by the fearsome Gorgon Brown to clean all the Augean hospitals in a single day. Alas, the deep clean strategy failed and Hercules' aged father Zeus died after contracting MRSA.
Other stories in the deciphered text portray a turbulent world we can only dimly understand: "Economy Slumps as Olive Oil Price Peaks"; "War on Troy Claims 4000th Victim"; "Priests Warn of Human-Animal Hybrids: Bull-Headed Men and Snake-Haired Women"; and "Sparta Condemns Foreign Critics amid Calls for Olympic Boycott".
[Also on THE tART website]
Tuesday 25 March 2008
US Troops Capture Bin Laden with Secret Video Equipment
Major breakthrough in War On Terror as Osama is betrayed.
The Pentagon was celebrating a significant operational success last night, after announcing that disgruntled Afghan tribesmen had led US forces to Osama’s hidden recording studio.
The Al Qaeda leader was preparing a video to be released on Easter Sunday condemning the Crusader states, Israel and critics of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Special agents reached the hideout in time to seize valuable Al Qaeda materials including a bin laden with secret video equipment. Unfortunately, using a comedy ginger wig, Osama had earlier escaped disguised as a member of the British Royal Family.
The CIA confirmed that the equipment in the bin contained hilarious outtakes showing the terrorist leader fumbling with props, fluffing his lines and giggling. In a serious blow to Osama’s prestige, the blunders will collated by Dennis Norden and released as “It'll Be Alright on the Night 9/11”.
The Pentagon was celebrating a significant operational success last night, after announcing that disgruntled Afghan tribesmen had led US forces to Osama’s hidden recording studio.
The Al Qaeda leader was preparing a video to be released on Easter Sunday condemning the Crusader states, Israel and critics of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Special agents reached the hideout in time to seize valuable Al Qaeda materials including a bin laden with secret video equipment. Unfortunately, using a comedy ginger wig, Osama had earlier escaped disguised as a member of the British Royal Family.
The CIA confirmed that the equipment in the bin contained hilarious outtakes showing the terrorist leader fumbling with props, fluffing his lines and giggling. In a serious blow to Osama’s prestige, the blunders will collated by Dennis Norden and released as “It'll Be Alright on the Night 9/11”.
Any Budget Will Do
[As Alistair Darling completed his first Budget speech in the House of Commons, Gordon Brown, dressed in a multi-coloured robe, unexpectedly burst into song.]
I cross my fingers, in times uncertain,
Will it go for a Burton,
the economy we knew?
In the USA, mortgages foreclosing
Are economic woes exposing
What’s it gonna do?
I‘d hoped the cloud, had a golden lining
Of interest rates declining,
Promoting growth anew
But across the world, inflation’s rising
With global firms downsizing
What’s it gonna do?
A crash of stocks!
A credit crunch!
My rosy outlook’s out to lunch
Consumer spending fades to nothing
The budget’s left adrift
May I return to the arms of prudence
With fiscal rule improvements,
And balanced budgets too
Alistair and I, are hoping growth will freshen
Will we see recession?
What’s it gonna do?
Bring back my reputation,
For prudence and for growth
Bring back low levels of inflation,
And unbroken years of growth!
Friday 14 March 2008
Remake of Four Feathers
Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films), will be the lead role in a remake of “The Four Feathers”.
Setting the classic adventure story in the present day, the plot revolves around Harry Windsor, an officer in the British army. After he controversially escapes deployment in Iraq, the British newspapers send him four feathers - the symbol of cowardice.
Harry sets out to prove his bravery by secretly going to Afghanistan. In a series of exciting TV interviews, he rescues the media from what would otherwise be a fairly boring day for news and returns home a hero.
Setting the classic adventure story in the present day, the plot revolves around Harry Windsor, an officer in the British army. After he controversially escapes deployment in Iraq, the British newspapers send him four feathers - the symbol of cowardice.
Harry sets out to prove his bravery by secretly going to Afghanistan. In a series of exciting TV interviews, he rescues the media from what would otherwise be a fairly boring day for news and returns home a hero.
Cleggsy Malone
In Prime Minister’s Question Time, Tory Leader, ‘Dandy Dave’, called the PM, ‘Fat Gord’, a “no-good dirty rat”. The PM replied with a volley of custard pies; whereupon the shadow cabinet discharged splurge-guns into the Labour ranks and cream-splattered MPs set about each other.
Suddenly, everyone stopped as the sound of an unexpected piano rang out and the Liberal Democrat Leader, Cleggsy Malone, started to sing…
We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like run the country quite well
Our efforts so far have oft come to naught
Is it the pointless battles we have fought?
[MPs on all sides begin swaying and singing along]
We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like something worthy of praise
We’ve been derided
Our expenses misguided
Let’s put aside our jaundiced ways
We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Without these soundbites and spin
Let’s debate on a basis of facts
And not the petty points of partisan attacks
We could be the best there’s ever been
We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Make co-operation our style
We’d get together
So we’d decide whether
We could do it right once in a while
[Fighting resumes as Cleggsy Malone is pelted with custard pies from his own party]
Suddenly, everyone stopped as the sound of an unexpected piano rang out and the Liberal Democrat Leader, Cleggsy Malone, started to sing…
We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like run the country quite well
Our efforts so far have oft come to naught
Is it the pointless battles we have fought?
[MPs on all sides begin swaying and singing along]
We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like something worthy of praise
We’ve been derided
Our expenses misguided
Let’s put aside our jaundiced ways
We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Without these soundbites and spin
Let’s debate on a basis of facts
And not the petty points of partisan attacks
We could be the best there’s ever been
We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Make co-operation our style
We’d get together
So we’d decide whether
We could do it right once in a while
[Fighting resumes as Cleggsy Malone is pelted with custard pies from his own party]
England Rocks
Swathes of England were left devastated by the largest earthquake to hit the country in nearly 25 years. Chimney stacks tumbled and ornaments toppled from shelves as the 5.2 Richter scale quake shook the very foundations of the nation.
As English people are unused to seismic activity, many of them had no idea what was happening.
As English people are unused to seismic activity, many of them had no idea what was happening.
Lech Jankowski, a construction worker in Leeds, said: “It felt like the house was falling down. Some of the fifteen other workers in the house thought it was a terrorist bomb.”
Stanislaw Kowalczyk, a farm worker in Lincolnshire, said: “I was terrified and so were the twenty other labourers sharing our flat. We thought a plane had crashed.”
As the Government appealed for calm, opposition politicians demanded to know why so many houses had been built in dangerous earthquake zones.
“Is this the end for UK housing market?” asked the Daily Nail. “Brown Unprepared for Earthquake!” screamed the Daily Repress. The Undependent’s 12-page special “Climate Change Tremor” called for Britain to face up to the risks of Japanese-style earthquakes and tsunamis.
The Archbishop of Canterbury issued a statement saying: “it is unavoidable that some elements of Japanese building regulations will be introduced in Britain.”
As the Government appealed for calm, opposition politicians demanded to know why so many houses had been built in dangerous earthquake zones.
“Is this the end for UK housing market?” asked the Daily Nail. “Brown Unprepared for Earthquake!” screamed the Daily Repress. The Undependent’s 12-page special “Climate Change Tremor” called for Britain to face up to the risks of Japanese-style earthquakes and tsunamis.
The Archbishop of Canterbury issued a statement saying: “it is unavoidable that some elements of Japanese building regulations will be introduced in Britain.”
National Audit Office Condemns Speaker Expenses
The NAO has completed an investigation into speaker-related costs and expenses in the House of Commons. The Value for Money audit severely criticises the current system as not fit for purpose. An independent double-blind test has shown that the current speaker is of poor quality and the sounds emanating from it are often cacophonic or inaudible.
The report suggests that Parliament’s decision to spend £72,862 in 2005 for a second-hand speaker that had already been in use for four years was financially irresponsible. It also indicates that a review of maintenance costs had highlighted excessive and unaccountable expenses.
A number of MPs have sought to defend the current system, pointing out that the speaker was chosen by the whole House of Commons from a shortlist of 12 potential candidates.
However, the audit notes that MPs were perhaps more influenced by the name of the speaker and may have made their selection based on seeing it prominently displayed in the most popular party.
In its cost-benefit analysis, the NAO concludes that the high-maintenance Martin speaker is poor value for money when compared to the popular and euphonic Boothroyd or even the venerable but reliable Weatherill.
The report suggests that Parliament’s decision to spend £72,862 in 2005 for a second-hand speaker that had already been in use for four years was financially irresponsible. It also indicates that a review of maintenance costs had highlighted excessive and unaccountable expenses.
A number of MPs have sought to defend the current system, pointing out that the speaker was chosen by the whole House of Commons from a shortlist of 12 potential candidates.
However, the audit notes that MPs were perhaps more influenced by the name of the speaker and may have made their selection based on seeing it prominently displayed in the most popular party.
In its cost-benefit analysis, the NAO concludes that the high-maintenance Martin speaker is poor value for money when compared to the popular and euphonic Boothroyd or even the venerable but reliable Weatherill.
Wednesday 5 March 2008
US Primaries: Texas & Ohio Results Full Analysis
 | McBain Now confirmed as Republican candidate With the nomination now in the bag, the big question for right-wingers is where McBain stands on the servative issue: is he pro or con? |
|---|
 | Borat O'Bama Still front runner for the Democrats The Kazakh-Irish senator has failed to maintain momentum in the crucial sunny-side-up breakfast demographic and lost out big in Ohio where over-easy voters swung away from him. |
|---|
 | Celery Hinton The come-back queen is still in the race The once favorite, now back from the dead, senator has had a roller-coaster ride in the primaries. Voters in the A-M surname bracket stayed with her in Texas, can she attract more of the N-Zs in the remaining contests? |
|---|
Tuesday 26 February 2008
UK Government Caves In Over Identity Cards
In a major Government climbdown, Gordon Brown has agreed that ID cards will not be made compulsory.
From 2010, the Government will begin issuing Identity Cards; anyone who does not wish to be entered on the National Identity Register can simply apply to have their details placed on the ID Card Opt-Out List.
Participants in the opt-out scheme will be issued with a special card containing their personal and biometric details, when asked by Police to produce their ID card they can simply show the opt-out card which Police can then verify against the centrally administered Opt-Out database.
The Government has issued a National Identity guarantee regarding personal data, where they pledge not to allow people's ID card details to be downloaded onto laptops or CDs and subsequently lost. Of course, journalists, organised criminals and foreign governments will still be able to access the data by simply bribing or blackmailing civil servants in accordance with time-honoured Civil Service practice.
Anyone choosing not to participate in either the ID Card or the Opt-Out card systems can join the National Forehead Barcode scheme.
From 2010, the Government will begin issuing Identity Cards; anyone who does not wish to be entered on the National Identity Register can simply apply to have their details placed on the ID Card Opt-Out List.
Participants in the opt-out scheme will be issued with a special card containing their personal and biometric details, when asked by Police to produce their ID card they can simply show the opt-out card which Police can then verify against the centrally administered Opt-Out database.
The Government has issued a National Identity guarantee regarding personal data, where they pledge not to allow people's ID card details to be downloaded onto laptops or CDs and subsequently lost. Of course, journalists, organised criminals and foreign governments will still be able to access the data by simply bribing or blackmailing civil servants in accordance with time-honoured Civil Service practice.
Anyone choosing not to participate in either the ID Card or the Opt-Out card systems can join the National Forehead Barcode scheme.
Storm in a Teacup
Kerbia’s rebellious Samovar province has declared independence.
Kerbia has opposed the move. Kerbian nationalists celebrate the birth of their nation in the ancient Battle of Samovar; where Kerbia opposed the imposition of footstools and blanket boxes by the Ottoman Turks.
America and the EU have recognised the newly independent republic, on the condition that there are no moves to unite with the adjacent Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
Russia has dismissed it as a storm in a teacup. The Russian ambassador to Kerbia said that it was economic madness for all samovars to leave Kerbia for the EU. When asked “What’s a samovar earn?” he replied, “a large water heater for making tea.”
Kerbia has opposed the move. Kerbian nationalists celebrate the birth of their nation in the ancient Battle of Samovar; where Kerbia opposed the imposition of footstools and blanket boxes by the Ottoman Turks.
America and the EU have recognised the newly independent republic, on the condition that there are no moves to unite with the adjacent Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
Russia has dismissed it as a storm in a teacup. The Russian ambassador to Kerbia said that it was economic madness for all samovars to leave Kerbia for the EU. When asked “What’s a samovar earn?” he replied, “a large water heater for making tea.”
Polish Workers Leaving UK
Britain’s newspaper industry has been plunged into crisis as Government figures show that thousands of Polish workers are now leaving the UK.
The Press had been enjoying an industry-wide boom with headlines such as “Thousands of Poles taking British Jobs!”, “Entire Population of Warsaw Encamped in Shanty Towns Throughout the Home Counties!” and “Archbishop says it is unavoidable that some elements of Polish law will be introduced in Britain!”
A spokesman for the Daily Nail lamented “where will we get our rabid, scare-mongering stories now?”
The editor of the Daily Repress called for an end to restrictions on workers from Romania and Bulgaria, “the only hope for the newspapers now is an influx of racist stories about an influx of Romanian Gypsies and, on a lighter note, some lame, womble-based headlines about Great Uncle Bulgaria.”
Reports in the British Press of a surge in the numbers of French Polish workers were denied by French officials last night when they revealed that the figures referred to traditional French craftsman skilled in the shellacking of antique furniture.
Tabloid stories have also suggested that the thousands of Polish workers moving from the UK to Warsaw will cause mayhem as the Polish Government struggles to: put up Polish-language road signs; provide Polish-language emergency services; and cater for a surge in Polish-speaking schoolchildren.
The Press had been enjoying an industry-wide boom with headlines such as “Thousands of Poles taking British Jobs!”, “Entire Population of Warsaw Encamped in Shanty Towns Throughout the Home Counties!” and “Archbishop says it is unavoidable that some elements of Polish law will be introduced in Britain!”
A spokesman for the Daily Nail lamented “where will we get our rabid, scare-mongering stories now?”
The editor of the Daily Repress called for an end to restrictions on workers from Romania and Bulgaria, “the only hope for the newspapers now is an influx of racist stories about an influx of Romanian Gypsies and, on a lighter note, some lame, womble-based headlines about Great Uncle Bulgaria.”
Reports in the British Press of a surge in the numbers of French Polish workers were denied by French officials last night when they revealed that the figures referred to traditional French craftsman skilled in the shellacking of antique furniture.
Tabloid stories have also suggested that the thousands of Polish workers moving from the UK to Warsaw will cause mayhem as the Polish Government struggles to: put up Polish-language road signs; provide Polish-language emergency services; and cater for a surge in Polish-speaking schoolchildren.
Hymns Ancient and Modern
The Church of England is at the centre of a new storm as the words to Jerusalem are changed in line with the modern media age.
Jerusalem
And were those words in modern time
Distorted by England's media circus?
And was the message misconstrued
As “England's lasses should wear burkas” ?
And did the journalists tabloid
Pour forth their verbal diarrhoea?
And were the newspapers so annoyed
About the Bishop and Sharia?
Bring me my pen of purple prose!
Bring me my headline puns so dire!
Bring me my ignorance exposed!
Don’t bring the facts, I won’t enquire!
I will make news sensational,
And I shall feed hysteria,
Till we have stoked the frenzied rage
Of England's vulgar tabloid media.
Lorry Drivers in Low Emission Zone Protest
London's new Low Emission Zone charges have been condemned as yet another stealth tax hitting lorry drivers who already face the burden of congestion charges, petrol duty and the ever-increasing number of tyres on their vehicles.
A spokesman for the protest, Mr Tach O'Graph, said,
A spokesman for the protest, Mr Tach O'Graph, said,
"The cost of driving a lorry from Romania to London is already prohibitive. What Ken Livingston doesn't understand is that many lorry drivers simply cannot drive around the outside of the LEZ. There's only so much oxygen in these air-tight container lorries, if we go the long way round all the illegal immigrants in the back will asphyxiate."
Thursday 21 February 2008
Northern Rockall
Alistair Darling has announced plans to bring Rockall into public ownership.
The northern Rockall bank came perilously close to collapse, necessitating Government action to prop it up in case the whole sector was undermined.
The Chancellor said that leaving Rockall to weather current conditions in the North Atlantic was not a good option due to the Climate Crunch.
He proposes to keep Rockall at arm’s length by moving it to central London until sea levels fall back sufficiently to allow it to return to the North Atlantic sector. Mr Darling predicted that significant cuts in carbon emissions would soon lead to a more stable climate.
The Tories condemned the move saying, "The Treasury should have gone with the Pirate sector bid from the Long John Silver consortium which would have brought a million Spanish doubloons to Rockall."
The northern Rockall bank came perilously close to collapse, necessitating Government action to prop it up in case the whole sector was undermined.
The Chancellor said that leaving Rockall to weather current conditions in the North Atlantic was not a good option due to the Climate Crunch.
He proposes to keep Rockall at arm’s length by moving it to central London until sea levels fall back sufficiently to allow it to return to the North Atlantic sector. Mr Darling predicted that significant cuts in carbon emissions would soon lead to a more stable climate.
The Tories condemned the move saying, "The Treasury should have gone with the Pirate sector bid from the Long John Silver consortium which would have brought a million Spanish doubloons to Rockall."
Wednesday 13 February 2008
Fairy Tale of New York Stock Exchange
We are rogues
We are witty
Bright sparks of the City,
When the banks finish paying
They pay us some more.
On futures we’re betting,
But it’s losses we’re getting.
With fraud we can hide ‘em
Then hoodwink them all.
The boys of the New York Stock Exchange
Want the markets propping up
And the central banker’s response
Is an interest rate cut.
By “The Rogues”
Jerome Kerviel on accordion, Nick Leeson on tin whistle, John Rusnak on mandolin.
“The Rogues” take their name from the Investment Bankers’ motto róg mo thóin meaning “kiss my arse”. Their latest album “Rogue Traders” is causing a big buzz in the market.
Great Thatcher Award
Leader of the Conservative party, David Cameron, has presented an award to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher for her "enormous contribution to British life".
Mr Cameron, arriving late after being wrongly directed to the Cottage Roofers ‘Great Thatcher’ Award ceremony in an adjacent room, praised Baroness Thatcher as a "towering figure".
Lady Thatcher praised Gordon Brown for following the policies of easy credit, rampant house price inflation and recession that had made Britain great in the 1980s.
She went on to urge Mr Cameron to “get a proper majority like that nice Mr Blair”.
Mr Cameron, arriving late after being wrongly directed to the Cottage Roofers ‘Great Thatcher’ Award ceremony in an adjacent room, praised Baroness Thatcher as a "towering figure".
Lady Thatcher praised Gordon Brown for following the policies of easy credit, rampant house price inflation and recession that had made Britain great in the 1980s.
She went on to urge Mr Cameron to “get a proper majority like that nice Mr Blair”.
Minister Quits in Veil Row
The Bishop of London has asked the Reverend Green, vicar of St Cluedo’s church, Balham, to resign after he refused to perform a marriage ceremony because the bride turned up wearing a veil. Reverend Green left the church without explaining his reasons, but said later that he felt there were identity issues. He noted that the bride was all fat and wide and that they had had to take the door off to get her inside.
A statement from the General Synod of the Church of England said: "Reverend Green is concerned about questions of identity when the full veil is worn in church; in this particular case the bride was so big that he felt that there may have been two people behind the veil, or possibly a horse."
"However, he agrees that he acted unwisely in absenting himself without giving reasons, and acknowledges that he should have sought the advice of his Bishop, and that there could have been a perfectly reasonable explanation for the size of the bride i.e. she was up the duff, as brides so often are."
The local MP has condemned the Bishop, saying: "People are fed up to the back teeth with continual concessions to small, awkward minority groups like the Church of England."
A statement from the General Synod of the Church of England said: "Reverend Green is concerned about questions of identity when the full veil is worn in church; in this particular case the bride was so big that he felt that there may have been two people behind the veil, or possibly a horse."
"However, he agrees that he acted unwisely in absenting himself without giving reasons, and acknowledges that he should have sought the advice of his Bishop, and that there could have been a perfectly reasonable explanation for the size of the bride i.e. she was up the duff, as brides so often are."
The local MP has condemned the Bishop, saying: "People are fed up to the back teeth with continual concessions to small, awkward minority groups like the Church of England."
Bush Condemned in Nuclear Plant Row
As international controversy over Iran’s nuclear ambitions mounts, the International Atomic Energy Authority has published an in-depth report on Iranian nuclear facilities and plants. The IAEA report has found no evidence that Iran might be trying to develop an atomic bomb; but it has highlighted a number of serious concerns regarding a plant at Iran’s key nuclear installation.
Mohamed ElBaradei, the head of the IAEA, commenting on an incident where a steam pipe had burst at the Bushehr nuclear power station, commended the Iranian authorities for ensuring that stringent safety procedures had been followed at all times; but he insisted that plants affected by a leak of radioactive material should be condemned.
After talks about the contaminated plant, President Ahmadinejad agreed that the bush in question should be uprooted and destroyed.
Mohamed ElBaradei, the head of the IAEA, commenting on an incident where a steam pipe had burst at the Bushehr nuclear power station, commended the Iranian authorities for ensuring that stringent safety procedures had been followed at all times; but he insisted that plants affected by a leak of radioactive material should be condemned.
After talks about the contaminated plant, President Ahmadinejad agreed that the bush in question should be uprooted and destroyed.
Tuesday 29 January 2008
2008 US Presidential Election Analysis
As the juggernaut of US democracy thunders along the interstate highway of time towards the toll plaza of election day, we take this opportunity to assess the key issues and central characters in the most important election in the free world.
Key Facts
Election Day. American presidential elections are always held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November which this year will fall on a Tuesday.
Electoral College. US voters do not directly elect their president. The founding fathers of the United States decided that ordinary Americans were too ignorant to know how to actually elect someone. Instead, each state sends a number of 'electors' to electoral college where they learn how to elect the president. This is why the presidential election takes so long.
Parties. There are two political parties in the US. One party is called "the Republicans" and the other is called "the Democrats". Apart from that there's no difference, so very similar to the UK really.
Primaries. Despite having middlemen to do the actual work of electing the president, the voters still need to have a rehearsal before the big day. So each party holds primary elections in each state. This allows voters to practice voting and candidates to practice being elected.
Candidates
Borat O'Bama (Democrat). Young and charismatic, Mr O'Bama has positioned himself as the new Kennedy, despite suggestions that he's not actually of Irish descent.
Hill Clinton (Democrat). A potentially divisive figure, Hill Clinton's main stance is to advocate a return to the 1990s policy of having a Clinton in the White House.
John Edwards (Democrat). Nominee for vice-president last time round, Edward Johns has struggled to extend his support beyond the pro-smiling wing of the Democrat Party.
Julie Rudiani (Republican). Law and order candidate and ex-Mare of New York City, Julie's strategy of not bothering to have a macho-sounding name may back-fire.
John McBain (Republican). Foreign policy wonk, war hero and everyone's favorite grandpa, McBain's exploits in the Spanish-American War of 1898 are famous.
Rom Mittney (Mammon). Fiscal conservative, successful businessman and organiser of the 2002 Winter Olympics, millionaire Mittney has suffered attacks from the religious right who are concerned that he's never divorced his wife.
Huck Mickabee (Republican). God-bothering, guitar-strumming, former Baptist minister, Mickabee, is strongly supported by social conservatives for his pledge to repeal the theory of evolution.
Key Facts
Election Day. American presidential elections are always held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November which this year will fall on a Tuesday.
Electoral College. US voters do not directly elect their president. The founding fathers of the United States decided that ordinary Americans were too ignorant to know how to actually elect someone. Instead, each state sends a number of 'electors' to electoral college where they learn how to elect the president. This is why the presidential election takes so long.
Parties. There are two political parties in the US. One party is called "the Republicans" and the other is called "the Democrats". Apart from that there's no difference, so very similar to the UK really.
Primaries. Despite having middlemen to do the actual work of electing the president, the voters still need to have a rehearsal before the big day. So each party holds primary elections in each state. This allows voters to practice voting and candidates to practice being elected.
Candidates
Borat O'Bama (Democrat). Young and charismatic, Mr O'Bama has positioned himself as the new Kennedy, despite suggestions that he's not actually of Irish descent.
Hill Clinton (Democrat). A potentially divisive figure, Hill Clinton's main stance is to advocate a return to the 1990s policy of having a Clinton in the White House.
John Edwards (Democrat). Nominee for vice-president last time round, Edward Johns has struggled to extend his support beyond the pro-smiling wing of the Democrat Party.
Julie Rudiani (Republican). Law and order candidate and ex-Mare of New York City, Julie's strategy of not bothering to have a macho-sounding name may back-fire.
John McBain (Republican). Foreign policy wonk, war hero and everyone's favorite grandpa, McBain's exploits in the Spanish-American War of 1898 are famous.
Rom Mittney (Mammon). Fiscal conservative, successful businessman and organiser of the 2002 Winter Olympics, millionaire Mittney has suffered attacks from the religious right who are concerned that he's never divorced his wife.
Huck Mickabee (Republican). God-bothering, guitar-strumming, former Baptist minister, Mickabee, is strongly supported by social conservatives for his pledge to repeal the theory of evolution.
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