Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Born to be King

The story so far:

England, 1498. As the events of history echo in the events of today, so the events of today echo in the events of history. Gordon Brown's ancestor, Gordon Brownadder, is on verge of realising his long-cherished desire to be king.

On A Hillside, Overlooking The King's Castle

Brownadder: Ah, Ballsrick, greetings to you, my faithful, if somewhat lacklustre, servant.

Ballsrick: Hail, my lord!

Brownadder: No, no hail, although I think we're due some more rain.

Ballsrick: I mean: Hail, my lord! Greetings, it is good to see you back after these last few tumultuous weeks.

Brownadder: Yes, Ballsrick, it is good to be back for today I will seize the throne and become King of England!

Ballsrick: How are you going to do that, my lord?

Brownadder: In these last weeks, I have scoured the land in search of the most evil and ruthless people in the country - in order that they may help me to depose the King and govern the Kingdom prudently.

Ballsrick: But surely Private Equity Fund managers haven't been invented yet! Who could be hard-bitten and hard-boiled enough to aid you in this deed?

Brownadder: Only the most dastardly and unprincipled people in the kingdom: Alistair Darling, Harriet Harman and, of course, Quentin Davies!

Ballsrick: But isn't the King abdicating anyway?

Brownadder: What?

Ballsrick: Yes, there's speculation that he is going to become a special Middle East envoy to represent the Pope and the Holy Roman Emperor in their negotiations with the Turks.

Brownadder: We must make haste to the King's castle.

Ballsrick: Yes, my lord, he'll be due to do his final King's Question Time.

In The Great Hall

King: Alistair, darling, is Brownadder here yet?

Darling: Brownadder has just arrived now, sir.

King: Ah, Brownadder! Do come in, Question Time is nearly over. Now, then there is just time for one last question.

A young, eager lord, Sir David Cameron, steps forward.

Cameron: Can the King tell us, in his long reign: what was his biggest lie? and did he get away with it.

King: That's easy: I don't tell lies and yes!

Cameron: But...

King: No, no, no! You've had your question! Now, I'm off to see the Pope and tell him that I've abdicated... and that is that, the end!

Cameron: But who will be King hereafter?

King: I think Brownadder's the only one who wants to be King.

The ex-King strides from the Great Hall followed by his entourage of courtiers, as they trail after him shouting questions. Brownadder and Ballsrick are left alone in the Great Hall.

Ballsrick: So, my Lord - or should I say "King" - how does it feel to have all that you have sought finally in your grasp?

Brownadder: Great, Ballsrick: dominion over all England, reigning by divine right, the chance to run things properly, the chance to tell that Lord Cameron exactly what I think of him.

Ballsrick: But isn't it funny, sir, that no-one else wanted the job.

Brownadder: Hmmm

The End

Monday, 25 June 2007

Morality for Prime Ministers

As Mma Cameron drove the little white van around the edges of St James's Park, the hippos looked almost golden in the bright, early morning sunshine with their roaring grunts and snorts filling the London air.

"Who can deny that global warming is almost certainly happening?" mused Mma Cameron.

Looking ahead to the acacia tree outside the offices of the No. 1 Conservative Ladies’ Election Agency, Mma Cameron could see huge, dark clouds dominating the sky behind; soon the erratic downpours of the rainy season would be upon them, testing the flood defences that had been built in a different era for a different climate.

Mma Cameron parked under the acacia tree and quickly proceeded in through the door to the office before the rain began to fall. Mma Osbourne, who had been reading a newspaper, looked up and said: “Good morning, Mma, I'm glad to see you made it here before the rain."

The rain began to pound on the corrugated iron roof and pour down on to the parched earth outside. Mma Cameron smiled and said, "I think we should have a cup of Bush tea.”

Mma Osbourne put the kettle on and then pointed to the newspaper on the desk, "Have you seen the news about Mr J. G. Brown?"

Mma Cameron frowned, "Yes, I think it is a very odd thing that Mr A. C. L. Blair should step down and that Mr J. G. Brown become Prime Minister without there being an election. This would not happen if they were adhering to the old Conservative values."

Mma Osborne agreed, "Oh yes, a Conservative leader would first be damaged by a stalking horse and then ousted by a cabal of cabinet colleagues."

"Yes, that's the old, Tory morality," concurred Mma Cameron.

"...and then the Conservative MPs would obediently elect the outgoing Prime Minister's chosen successor," continued Mma Osbourne.

"Who would naturally be a man of relatively little experience in Government," added Mma Cameron, "like that nice Mr J. Major."

"Or yourself," noted Mma Osbourne.

Mma Cameron nodded and then continued, "Quite why anyone would think that it is a good thing to have an orderly transition of the role of Prime Minister from a long-serving leader to a hugely, experienced colleague, I don't know!"

"Indeed," said Mma Osbourne, "and where's the attendant chaos and uncertainty amid rioting and the onset of recession?"

They both laughed out loud. Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “Should we have another cup of Bush tea?”

Friday, 15 June 2007

19th-century weapon found in whale reveals age

In today's news, native Alaskan hunters have discovered a wooden puppet inside the carcass of a 50-tonne bowhead whale.

A curator of the Florentine Museum of Marionettes said:
"This type of stringless puppet (marionetto nonstringoli) dates from Italy in the 1880s."

However, a representative from the Middlesex County Cricket Club said:
"The remains of a cricket found in the whale could well be much older than the puppet, but we can't really comment as we don't do entomology just Cricket."

An elderly Tuscan woodcarver is helping police with their inquiries.

Monday, 11 June 2007

Wives and Girlfriends

In today's news (oh, alright, back on the 3 June), we learnt of new words entering the English language.

hoodie (n.)
A head-protection device developed as global warming and ozone depletion combine with male-pattern baldness to threaten the health of young British males.

WAG (n. plural)
Wives and Girlfriends of the England Football team (and by extension other celebrities). The singular form is, of course, WOG (Wife or Girlfriend)

man-bag (n.)
A device used to transport home military personnel when they have ceased being militarily functional owing to termination by enemy fire, suicide bombers or inadvertent friendly combative misalignment.

brainfood (n.)
A Japanese dish involving monkeys.

plasma screen (n.)
A device used in Star Trek to protect a spaceship when passing close to a star.