Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Chocolate Factory Closed

In today's news, the Health & Safety Executive has closed down the troubled Chocolate factory at the centre of yesterday's Police raids.

A spokesman for the HSE said:
"We were called in to investigate a series of incidents involving children who were visiting the factory. We found a number of very serious lapses in the health and safety procedures and facilities within the factory that necessitated its immediate closure pending the implementation of our proposals. "

A spokes-oompa-loompa for Mr Wonka said:
"We are co-operating fully with officials from the Heath and Safety Executive and are absolutely committed to implementing all the safety recommendations that they have proposed."

It is understood that the HSE recommendations require:
- all items in the Chocolate Room's edible garden to be clearly labelled with Best Before dates
- safety fences along the length of the chocolate river with fully trained life guards stationed every 50 metres
- an end to the use of squirrels in the processing of nuts
- glass in the Great Glass Elevator to be replaced by perspex

A spokesperson for the United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission said
"We have been asked by the UN Security Council to inspect Mr Wonka's process for delivering chocolate bars by television as this may constitute a weapon of mass destruction."

In a separate move, the parents of the children affected by these health and safety incidents (who cannot be named for legal reasons) have launched a joint legal action against Mr Wonka seeking exemplary damages for the pain and emotional anguish suffered by their offspring.

Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Chocolate Factory Raided

In today's news, in a combined operation with the Home Office Immigration Service and the Inland Revenue, Police have raided the world's largest Chocolate Factory, detaining a large number of illegal immigrants and arresting the factory's proprietor, Mr William Wonka.

A Police spokesman said:
"We were first alerted to Mr Wonka's activities when he controversially laid off his entire work force and yet continued trading. We now understand that he has been running his factory using illegal immigrants from Loompaland."

An Inland Revenue spokesman said:
"We contacted the Police when Mr Wonka stopped paying employer's national insurance contributions. It turns out that he has been paying his Oompa-Loompa workers with cacao beans in an attempt to avoid income tax payments."

A spokesperson for the Home Office confirmed:
"A number of Oompa-Loompas have applied for asylum in the UK on the basis that a return to Loompaland would endanger their lives because of the prevalence there of Snozzwangers, Hornswogglers, wicked Whangdoodles and Vermicious knids."

The Immigration Service later turned down their application because:
"The UK government will only grant asylum to people who have a signed affidavit from a recognised brutal dictator confirming that they will be killed if they return to their home country; the only exceptions to this are terrorists, murderers and retired dictators who would clearly be at risk if we sent them back."

Mr Wonka has denied that customers, who bought Wonka chocolate bars after the fifth and final golden ticket had been found, had been swindled out of millions of pounds as they had no chance of winning a visit to his factory and a life-time supply of chocolate.

Monday, 23 April 2007

Immigration Controversy

Right-wing think-tank, Civitas, has published a pamphlet predicting that immigration could lead to the political break-up of Britain.

An abridged version of the pamphlet could perhaps read:
"If we deliberately ignore the fact that short-term movements of EU workers, legitimately filling job vacancies in the UK, will quite simply reverse should job prospects worsen in the UK or brighten elsewhere within the EU, and if we invent some frightening statistics for illegal immigrants, we can portray immigration as being a more terrifying threat to the country than at any time since bigotry was first invented."

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Turkey Twizzlers

In today's news, we hear that UK Turkey producer Bernard Matthews will receive nearly £600,000 in compensation after a bird flu outbreak forced it to slaughter thousands of turkeys.

The UK Government said:
"Although, anyone with any sense knows that you have to give farmers large quantities of public cash to make them do anything - even if it's in the interest of public health - we know that there'll be a big hoohah in the press about this so we'd just like to say that we don't like it very much either."

A spokesman for the opposition Tory party may as well have said:
"This really is a shocking indictment of the Labour Government, the legislation under which the Government is obliged to make this payment was hopelessly out of date even when the last Tory Government was paying out to those farmers with mad cows, which is why we've been tirelessly campaigning against it since we saw this item on the news a few minutes ago. Surely the government should put aside the fact that no-one can prove how the turkeys got Bird Flu and summarily execute Bernard Matthews."

Bernard Matthews probably said:
"£600,000? Bootiful!"

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

UK Inflation Soars

In today's news, we hear that the UK Inflation Rate has reached 3.1%; necessitating the Governor of the Bank of England to write an open letter to the Chancellor of the Exchequer explaining why inflation is more than 1% off the target rate of 2% and what he's going to do about it.

Conservative shadow chancellor George Osborne probably said:
"Clearly inflation is now completely out of control and the Chancellor should immediately abandon his policy of allowing the Bank of England to set interest rates and adopt the Conservative party's policy of, er, allowing the Bank of England to set interest rates."

The Liberal Democrat spokesman for Money and Stuff said:
"When will the Chancellor see sense and adopt the Liberal Democrat policy of claiming that we thought of allowing the Bank of England to set interest rates first?"

Amid rising panic and financial commentators clamouring for blood, the Governor of the Bank of England was forced to admit:
"Inflation is likely to fall back within a matter of months"

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Tears of the Pension Fund Manager

Mma Cameron's bicycle wobbled along the dusty lane, passing tsamma melons and wild cucumbers growing on either side in the sun-drenched landscape, which could have been Botswana, but was in fact Victoria Street, London.

"It is important in these days of climate change to be seen to do one's bit for green issues," reflected Mma Cameron, "such as cycling instead of driving."

After taking off the various cycling accoutrements, such as helmet and bicycle clips, Mma Cameron locked the bicycle up in the shade of the acacia tree outside the offices of the No. 1 Conservative Ladies’ Election Agency, and then waved in Mma Osborne who had been following closely behind in the little white van.

Mma Cameron opened the door carefully, making sure that no snakes had slithered into the relative cool of the office. As they sat down at their respective desks, Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “I think it is time we had a cup of Bush tea.”

Mma Osborne was about to reply when they heard a car pull up outside, looking out of the window they could see a smartly dressed businessman emerging from a Mercedes Benz. Mma Osborne opened the office door and the businessman came in. He introduced himself as a very important and successful Pension Fund Manager with many years experience.

"Mma Cameron, I've come to seek your advice on a complicated issue," he said, "I've just found out that 10 years ago Mr J. G. Brown of Downing Street Speedy Motors abolished dividend tax credits for pension funds."

Mma Cameron looked kindly at the man who was obviously quite distressed and emotional.

"I have a big shortfall in the pension funds I manage and I'm rooting around for someone to blame," continued the man.

Mma Cameron nodded, "Yes, it is important to be able to find someone to blame."

"I went to public school so, of course, I'm not very good at sums," stated the businessman, "and my staff all used to run barrows in the East End, so they're not very good at maths either."

"Indeed," interjected Mma Osborne, "this is a complicated business, how can the manager of a large pension fund be expected to understand the implications of a tax change?"

Mma Cameron nodded: Mma Osborne had a certificate from the Magdalen Secretarial College, Oxford, and so clearly knew about these things. The businessman readily accepted the handkerchief that Mma Cameron passed over to him and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"You can be sure that I will have a word with Mr J. G. Brown about this," declared Mma Cameron, leading the distraught man back to his car.

"Mr J. G. Brown is always tinkering away at things," stated Mma Osborne as Mma Cameron came back into the office, "it does not pay to always be busying oneself."

They both laughed out loud. Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “Should we have another cup of Bush tea?”