Friday, 26 January 2007

Sham 69 Split

Sad old Punk band Sham 69 have split up due to irreconcilable differences between singer Jimmy Pursey and guitarist Dave Parsons.

Jammy Parsey has come out against prisons being "swamped" with minor offenders who were "cluttering up" the system.

Whereas Dive Pursons roundly comdemned the Home Secretary for writing to judges to remind them that "there are punishments available as alternatives to custodial sentences such as: community service, tagging or alerting the press so a mob can beat them to death."

Commenting on the split, an innocent man locked up for a murder he did not commit said:
"Wouldn't it be nice if guilty people went to prison for a change?"

A police informer, free to murder at will at the tax-payers' expense, said:
"Prison doesn't work - so I'm told, I've never been there myself."

Sham 69 have shelved plans to release their new singles: "If the Kids are Locked Up" and "Lock up (Dirty) Harry"

Friday, 19 January 2007

Jade Baddy

Excitement mounts as Britons turn out to vote in the biggest issue of the new century i.e. voting Jade Goody out of Big Brother.

Gordon Brown flew into Mumbai to mend the UK's tattered relations with India, saying that he had heard of Big Brother but hadn't actually read any of George Orwell's novels recently.

Tony Blair (who's also in the government) said:
"This is surely one of the most important issues to confront the British public since the campaign to free Coronation Street's Deirdre in 1998 (when I was Prime Minster)."

A representative from Canada's Nunavut Territory said:
"We often wonder how ignorant, loud-mouthed, English yobs manage to survive in today's complex, international world. If you don't give them alcohol, cigarettes and daytime telly, do their heads simply cave in?"

Big Brother said:
"Ignorance is Strength"

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

Lou Reed

Had Lou Reed been born 65 years ago today, it would be his 65th birthday.

This influential and controversial singer-songwriter has often been accused of writing controversial and influential songs about drugs, transvestites and sado-masochism; an informed analysis of his influential lyrics shows that the majority of his controversial songs were about fairly mundane, uncontroversial issues. Reviewing a few examples will show this.

The unusual spelling used in the song title has led people to think this is a song about drugs; however it is clear from the lyrics that this is a song about the ups and downs of married life and how his wife is a heroine for putting up with it:
“Heroin, be the death of me
Heroin, it’s my wife and it’s my life”

Walk on the Wild Side
It has been suggested that this is about transvestites working the streets of New York; but again careful reading of the lyrics shows that far from being ‘camp’ it is actually about camping out in America’s great National Parks.
“Holly came from Miami FLA.
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA.
Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says: hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”

Street Hassle
This medley of songs is said to range from sex-for-cash, a drug-user’s indifference to the death of a visitor and a bitter lament to lost love. It is in fact about the importance of saving for retirement and putting a bit away to cover your funeral expenses.
“But why don’t you grab your old lady by the feet
And just lay her out on the darkened street
And by morning, she’s just another hit and run”

Perfect Day
Usually seen as overly romantic, sentimental mush, this is in fact Lou Reed’s only song about drugs (and probably transvestite, transsexual Transylvania too), as the lyrics clearly show:
“Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too,
And then home.”

Monday, 15 January 2007

Bought and Sold for English Gold

The story so far:
England, 1707: dour English MP, Sir Gordon Brownadder, is on his way by stage coach to Berwick-upon-Tweed. Aided by his man-servant, the babbling Edward Ballsrick, the ambitious Brownadder is travelling with the equally dour English MP, Sir Alexander Salmond, in order to secure the passing of the Act of Union by the Scottish Parliament.

Stage Coach, interior

Brownadder: I think we're about to reach Berwick. Have you got that list of the Scottish parliamentarians that we're going to meet?

Salmond: Here it is: Sir Anthony Blair, Sir David Cameron and Sir Menzies Campbell.

Brownadder: Ah, you couldn't imagine a more Scottish-sounding group of gentlemen, could you?

Salmond: Do you think they'll adopt sensible English names like Brown and Salmond after unification?

Brownadder: I doubt it.

Brownadder: Right, Ballsrick, are you sure you've got the cash prudently stowed inside the coach and not bouncing around on top?

Ballsrick: No problem, Sir Brownadder, it's securely stashed between my legs here.

Brownadder: Ah, perhaps the safest location in the whole of England, I can't imagine any highway robbers choosing to investigate whatever's between your legs.

Ballsrick: May I ask, sir, why we are travelling with £20,000 in cash?

Brownadder: Financial persuasion, Ballsrick, this cash will oil the wheels of Scottish Parliamentary democracy and get them to pass the Act of Union with England.

Ballsrick: Why would they want to unify with England?

Brownadder: I think the benefits are too numerous to list.

Ballsrick: Could you list just a few of them?

Brownadder: Erm, well... do we really have time for all these questions? Shouldn't you be polishing some boots or something?

Salmond: Come on Brownadder, I'm sure we can answer his question.

Brownadder: Indeed, well, there's the peace dividend for a start.

Ballsrick: What's that?

Brownadder: England won't need to station troops on the border to protect Berwick-upon-Tweed and the northern counties and Scotland won't need to station troops on the border to oppose our troops.

Ballsrick: Anything else?

Brownadder: Of yes, lots of things.

Salmond: Come on, Brownadder.

Brownadder: Perhaps Sir Alex would like to list some?

Salmond: Oh well, of course, there's... um?

Brownadder: Yes?

Salmond: Well, it will create the largest free trade area in Europe and bring prosperity to both nations through a common currency, freedom of movement and the abolition of trade tariffs.

Brownadder: And of course there will be a tremendous cultural exchange.

Salmond: Indeed, from English literature the Scots can take Chaucer, Shakespeare and Milton.

Ballsrick: And from Scottish literature?

Salmond: Well, there's that nice poem by Robert Burns about a mouse...

Ballsrick: One thing that troubles me, sir: aren't you worried that they'll come down to England and steal all our jobs?

Salmond: Ah, the myth of the Scottish plumber! Ballsrick, I think you'll find that your average Scottish worker is as lazy and incompetent as his English counterpart.

Ballsrick: But won't some of their MPs come down to England and join the government?

Brownadder: I hardly think we need worry about that, Ballsrick. I don't think the English will take kindly to people with Scottish surnames like Blair and Cameron telling them what to do.

The End

Thursday, 11 January 2007

Home Office condemns Brits who offend abroad

In a further twist to what is already being called historians-who-offend-abroad-but-who-are-not-on-the-Police-National-Computer-gate, the UK Home Secretary has seized the initiative by roundly condemning the latest instance of criminality perpetrated by a British historian abroad. British historian Felipe Fernandez-Armesto blatantly and brutally ignored commands from a US police officer to cease and desist from jaywalking in an Atlanta street.

The Home Secretary, John Reid probably said:
"This is a very serious problem and I take it very seriously indeed. I have initiated an enquiry to establish why this serious criminal is not on the Traffic Protection Register along with David Irving."

Some old Etonian speaking for the Tories said:
"Can the Home Secretary guarantee that this serious historian will not be able to get a job as a traffic warden?"

The US police officer didn't say:
"Gee, I thought he was Hispanic."

Saturday, 6 January 2007

Big Brother Escapee Numbers Not Known

The head of Big Brother, Winston Smith, admits he does not know how many inmates are on the run. The admission came as punk singer Donny Tourette escaped from the Tower of London.

The head of the UK Prison Service, Phil Wheatley, said:
"This is an absolute disgrace, if we ran the Prison Service like that I'd be out of a job."

The head of the Conservative party, David Cameron, said:
"This surely calls into question the decision to appoint the female beefeaters at the Tower of London. It's political correctness gone mad."

Wednesday, 3 January 2007

The Curse of Tutankhamun

Today in 1924, Howard Carter opened the innermost section of the tomb of the Pharaoh Tutankhamun - wherein lay the sarcophagus and body of the ancient Egyptian king. Of those present none have survived, for the tomb was protected by a terrible curse:
Death Shall Come on Swift Wings To Him Who Disturbs the Peace of the King.

Lord Carnarvon, who financed the expedition, died in April the preceding year, aged just 56, and Carter went on to die mysteriously in his own bed just 15 years later at the age of 64. The curse was so powerful that Charlie Chaplin, although not actually present at the opening of the tomb, died just 53 years after reading about it in the newspaper.