Tuesday, 25 March 2008

US Troops Capture Bin Laden with Secret Video Equipment

Major breakthrough in War On Terror as Osama is betrayed.

The Pentagon was celebrating a significant operational success last night, after announcing that disgruntled Afghan tribesmen had led US forces to Osama’s hidden recording studio.

The Al Qaeda leader was preparing a video to be released on Easter Sunday condemning the Crusader states, Israel and critics of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Special agents reached the hideout in time to seize valuable Al Qaeda materials including a bin laden with secret video equipment. Unfortunately, using a comedy ginger wig, Osama had earlier escaped disguised as a member of the British Royal Family.

The CIA confirmed that the equipment in the bin contained hilarious outtakes showing the terrorist leader fumbling with props, fluffing his lines and giggling. In a serious blow to Osama’s prestige, the blunders will collated by Dennis Norden and released as “It'll Be Alright on the Night 9/11”.

Any Budget Will Do

[As Alistair Darling completed his first Budget speech in the House of Commons, Gordon Brown, dressed in a multi-coloured robe, unexpectedly burst into song.]

I cross my fingers, in times uncertain,
Will it go for a Burton,
the economy we knew?
In the USA, mortgages foreclosing
Are economic woes exposing
What’s it gonna do?

I‘d hoped the cloud, had a golden lining
Of interest rates declining,
Promoting growth anew
But across the world, inflation’s rising
With global firms downsizing
What’s it gonna do?

A crash of stocks!
A credit crunch!
My rosy outlook’s out to lunch

Consumer spending fades to nothing
The budget’s left adrift

May I return to the arms of prudence
With fiscal rule improvements,
And balanced budgets too
Alistair and I, are hoping growth will freshen
Will we see recession?
What’s it gonna do?

Bring back my reputation,
For prudence and for growth
Bring back low levels of inflation,
And unbroken years of growth!

Friday, 14 March 2008

Life on Mars

Life on Mars

Remake of Four Feathers

Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films), will be the lead role in a remake of “The Four Feathers”.

Setting the classic adventure story in the present day, the plot revolves around Harry Windsor, an officer in the British army. After he controversially escapes deployment in Iraq, the British newspapers send him four feathers - the symbol of cowardice.

Harry sets out to prove his bravery by secretly going to Afghanistan. In a series of exciting TV interviews, he rescues the media from what would otherwise be a fairly boring day for news and returns home a hero.

Cleggsy Malone

In Prime Minister’s Question Time, Tory Leader, ‘Dandy Dave’, called the PM, ‘Fat Gord’, a “no-good dirty rat”. The PM replied with a volley of custard pies; whereupon the shadow cabinet discharged splurge-guns into the Labour ranks and cream-splattered MPs set about each other.

Suddenly, everyone stopped as the sound of an unexpected piano rang out and the Liberal Democrat Leader, Cleggsy Malone, started to sing…

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like run the country quite well
Our efforts so far have oft come to naught
Is it the pointless battles we have fought?

[MPs on all sides begin swaying and singing along]

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like something worthy of praise
We’ve been derided
Our expenses misguided
Let’s put aside our jaundiced ways

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Without these soundbites and spin
Let’s debate on a basis of facts
And not the petty points of partisan attacks
We could be the best there’s ever been

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Make co-operation our style
We’d get together
So we’d decide whether
We could do it right once in a while

[Fighting resumes as Cleggsy Malone is pelted with custard pies from his own party]

England Rocks

Swathes of England were left devastated by the largest earthquake to hit the country in nearly 25 years. Chimney stacks tumbled and ornaments toppled from shelves as the 5.2 Richter scale quake shook the very foundations of the nation.

As English people are unused to seismic activity, many of them had no idea what was happening.
Lech Jankowski, a construction worker in Leeds, said: “It felt like the house was falling down. Some of the fifteen other workers in the house thought it was a terrorist bomb.”
Stanislaw Kowalczyk, a farm worker in Lincolnshire, said: “I was terrified and so were the twenty other labourers sharing our flat. We thought a plane had crashed.”

As the Government appealed for calm, opposition politicians demanded to know why so many houses had been built in dangerous earthquake zones.

“Is this the end for UK housing market?” asked the Daily Nail. “Brown Unprepared for Earthquake!” screamed the Daily Repress. The Undependent’s 12-page special “Climate Change Tremor” called for Britain to face up to the risks of Japanese-style earthquakes and tsunamis.

The Archbishop of Canterbury issued a statement saying: “it is unavoidable that some elements of Japanese building regulations will be introduced in Britain.”

National Audit Office Condemns Speaker Expenses

The NAO has completed an investigation into speaker-related costs and expenses in the House of Commons. The Value for Money audit severely criticises the current system as not fit for purpose. An independent double-blind test has shown that the current speaker is of poor quality and the sounds emanating from it are often cacophonic or inaudible.

The report suggests that Parliament’s decision to spend £72,862 in 2005 for a second-hand speaker that had already been in use for four years was financially irresponsible. It also indicates that a review of maintenance costs had highlighted excessive and unaccountable expenses.

A number of MPs have sought to defend the current system, pointing out that the speaker was chosen by the whole House of Commons from a shortlist of 12 potential candidates.

However, the audit notes that MPs were perhaps more influenced by the name of the speaker and may have made their selection based on seeing it prominently displayed in the most popular party.

In its cost-benefit analysis, the NAO concludes that the high-maintenance Martin speaker is poor value for money when compared to the popular and euphonic Boothroyd or even the venerable but reliable Weatherill.

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

US Primaries: Texas & Ohio Results Full Analysis

Now confirmed as Republican candidate
With the nomination now in the bag, the big question for right-wingers is where McBain stands on the servative issue: is he pro or con?

Borat O'Bama Borat O'Bama
Still front runner for the Democrats
The Kazakh-Irish senator has failed to maintain momentum in the crucial sunny-side-up breakfast demographic and lost out big in Ohio where over-easy voters swung away from him.

Celery Hinton Celery Hinton
The come-back queen is still in the race
The once favorite, now back from the dead, senator has had a roller-coaster ride in the primaries. Voters in the A-M surname bracket stayed with her in Texas, can she attract more of the N-Zs in the remaining contests?