Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Chocolate Factory Closed

In today's news, the Health & Safety Executive has closed down the troubled Chocolate factory at the centre of yesterday's Police raids.

A spokesman for the HSE said:
"We were called in to investigate a series of incidents involving children who were visiting the factory. We found a number of very serious lapses in the health and safety procedures and facilities within the factory that necessitated its immediate closure pending the implementation of our proposals. "

A spokes-oompa-loompa for Mr Wonka said:
"We are co-operating fully with officials from the Heath and Safety Executive and are absolutely committed to implementing all the safety recommendations that they have proposed."

It is understood that the HSE recommendations require:
- all items in the Chocolate Room's edible garden to be clearly labelled with Best Before dates
- safety fences along the length of the chocolate river with fully trained life guards stationed every 50 metres
- an end to the use of squirrels in the processing of nuts
- glass in the Great Glass Elevator to be replaced by perspex

A spokesperson for the United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission said
"We have been asked by the UN Security Council to inspect Mr Wonka's process for delivering chocolate bars by television as this may constitute a weapon of mass destruction."

In a separate move, the parents of the children affected by these health and safety incidents (who cannot be named for legal reasons) have launched a joint legal action against Mr Wonka seeking exemplary damages for the pain and emotional anguish suffered by their offspring.

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