Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Born to be King

The story so far:

England, 1498. As the events of history echo in the events of today, so the events of today echo in the events of history. Gordon Brown's ancestor, Gordon Brownadder, is on verge of realising his long-cherished desire to be king.

On A Hillside, Overlooking The King's Castle

Brownadder: Ah, Ballsrick, greetings to you, my faithful, if somewhat lacklustre, servant.

Ballsrick: Hail, my lord!

Brownadder: No, no hail, although I think we're due some more rain.

Ballsrick: I mean: Hail, my lord! Greetings, it is good to see you back after these last few tumultuous weeks.

Brownadder: Yes, Ballsrick, it is good to be back for today I will seize the throne and become King of England!

Ballsrick: How are you going to do that, my lord?

Brownadder: In these last weeks, I have scoured the land in search of the most evil and ruthless people in the country - in order that they may help me to depose the King and govern the Kingdom prudently.

Ballsrick: But surely Private Equity Fund managers haven't been invented yet! Who could be hard-bitten and hard-boiled enough to aid you in this deed?

Brownadder: Only the most dastardly and unprincipled people in the kingdom: Alistair Darling, Harriet Harman and, of course, Quentin Davies!

Ballsrick: But isn't the King abdicating anyway?

Brownadder: What?

Ballsrick: Yes, there's speculation that he is going to become a special Middle East envoy to represent the Pope and the Holy Roman Emperor in their negotiations with the Turks.

Brownadder: We must make haste to the King's castle.

Ballsrick: Yes, my lord, he'll be due to do his final King's Question Time.

In The Great Hall

King: Alistair, darling, is Brownadder here yet?

Darling: Brownadder has just arrived now, sir.

King: Ah, Brownadder! Do come in, Question Time is nearly over. Now, then there is just time for one last question.

A young, eager lord, Sir David Cameron, steps forward.

Cameron: Can the King tell us, in his long reign: what was his biggest lie? and did he get away with it.

King: That's easy: I don't tell lies and yes!

Cameron: But...

King: No, no, no! You've had your question! Now, I'm off to see the Pope and tell him that I've abdicated... and that is that, the end!

Cameron: But who will be King hereafter?

King: I think Brownadder's the only one who wants to be King.

The ex-King strides from the Great Hall followed by his entourage of courtiers, as they trail after him shouting questions. Brownadder and Ballsrick are left alone in the Great Hall.

Ballsrick: So, my Lord - or should I say "King" - how does it feel to have all that you have sought finally in your grasp?

Brownadder: Great, Ballsrick: dominion over all England, reigning by divine right, the chance to run things properly, the chance to tell that Lord Cameron exactly what I think of him.

Ballsrick: But isn't it funny, sir, that no-one else wanted the job.

Brownadder: Hmmm

The End

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