Wednesday, 29 November 2006

Gordon Brown's Ancestry: Regency England

The story so far:
Dour Scot, Gordon Brownadder, is butler to the Prince of Wales in Regency England. Aided by the babbling Edward Ballsrick, the ambitious Brownadder is anxious to advance his position in society and resents having to work for his dimwit master who seems only to be concerned with his legacy to the nation.

The Prince's Chambers

Prince: Ah, there you are Brownadder. I've got an interview with the Times later, they're sending along a man to do an etching - which trousers do you think I should wear? The trim, understated pair to indicate a sober, worldly statesman or the enormous pantaloons to show I'm a modern, relevant, man of fashion?

Brownadder: The pantaloons, I think, sir, to give them an impression of who you really are.

Prince: You know, Brownadder, I think you're right!

Brownadder: I'm afraid, sir, that I have some distinctly bad news.

Prince: Oh no, has another buyer pulled out of purchasing the Brighton Pavilion?

Brownadder: Well, sir, we haven't actually had any offers for that particular white elephant, but that is not the subject of our bad news.

Prince: Well, come on Brownadder, what is it?

Brownadder: The Tories are revolting.

Prince: Well, I know that - the Liberals are a disgrace too - but why is that bad news for us?

Brownadder: You misunderstand, sir. The Tories are refusing to support our bill in Parliament against Sedition.

Prince: But that's a key part of our war on terror!

Brownadder: They are saying that we're using the threat of French Jacobinism to ride rough-shod over the rights of Englishmen.

Prince: But I thought they supported the war?

Brownadder: Their new leader, Cameron the Younger, claims that we sexed up the report on the Terror in France.

Prince: Well, damn his eyes, Brownadder! I thought the Tories were supposed to be on the side of law and order!

Brownadder: Well, sir, they are more concerned about the increase in highway robbery. They are also asking questions about the sale of peerages.

Prince: Surely they're not against that, Brownadder; it's what they're for - an age-old English tradition.

Brownadder: They're not against it, sir. They say you're not getting enough for them and the shortfall has to be made up by increased customs duties.

Prince: Damn it all, Brownadder, what are we going to do?

Brrownadder: This Cameron is trying to move his party away from the reactionary, eighteenth-century landowner caricature of aristocratic wealth and privilege to a more modern, forward-looking, nineteenth-century image - more in tune with the common man.

Prince: Doesn't sound like any of the fat, bigoted Tories that I know and love.

Brownadder: Ah, but Cameron is a typical Tory toff, he attended an elite public school and his grandfather was a baronet. He is about as common as a lesser spotted woodpecker at a barnacle goose convention.

Prince: How does that help us?

Brownadder: May I suggest that before your interview with the Times, I have a quiet, off-the-record word with the reporter about Cameron's privileged background?

Prince: I see, Brownadder. We show him for the two-faced Tory fat cat that he is!

Brownadder: Indeed, sir, I think that would be the prudent strategy.

Later, In the Kitchen

Brownadder: Right, Ballsrick, when the reporter from the Times turns up show him straight in to me. Once the British public notice the silver spoon in his mouth, they'll be a lot less interested in what he has to say.

Ballsrick: Didn't the Prince go to an elite public school?

Brownadder: Yes, Ballsrick?

Ballsrick: If you get people talking about Cameron's privileged background, won't they start thinking about the Prince's privileged background?

Brownadder: They might Ballsrick. In which case it would be prudent for the Prince to step into the background and let a more competent person manage his affairs.

The End

No comments: