Border Police

In today's news, UK Conservative Party leader David Cameron has called for the creation of a new border police service.

Rather than proposing to spend any money on it, the border force will be created by unifying existing personnel and resources from agencies such as the Immigration Service, HM Revenue and Customs, Serious and Organised Crime Agency, the cast of The Bill and PC Plod from Noddy.

Mr Cameron declared:
"Instead of ID cards we believe the right approach is to have a fully integrated Border Police Force that will have one clear focus: keeping Scottish people out of England - particularly Gordon Brown and John Reid."

"The group will be chaired by Dame Helen Mirren, the former star of Prime Suspect. As someone who has been Britain's top policewoman, she knows better than anyone how many of the problems faced by the police in our cities can be exaggerated on the telly."

A spokesconstable for the Police said:
"Broader police would be able to block up the doorways to houses during raids thus preventing criminals escaping by getting round them."

The Secretary of State for Health condemned the proposal:
"This goes very much against the Government's campaign to tackle obesity, criminals could just as easily be blocked from escaping by two much thinner police constables standing very close together"

Doctor regulation shake-up plan

In today's news, the UK Government has announced plans to regulate doctors by introducing revalidation checks every 5 years. The Doctor is expected to lose the power of self-regeneration.

The Government's white paper, Time and Relative Dimensions in Space: The Regulation of Time Travel in the 21st Century, will deal with recommendations raised by the Chief Medical Officer after the inquiry into last year's invasion of central London by Daleks and Cybermen.

The Chief Medical Officer said:
"People put their trust in the Doctor often at a major moment in their lives; this trust must be underpinned by a strong system to assure good practice and safe driving of the Tardis."

The British Medical Association said:
"We understand that Doctor Who is not a medical doctor; he is called doctor because he has a PhD in Time-and-Relative-Dimensions-in-Space-ology from Gallifrey Polytechnic."

House of Lords

In today's news, Jack Straw outlined the UK Government's plans to reform the House of Lords.

Having got rid of most 'real' lords (unelected, hereditary) back in 1999, the 'Upper' House of the British Parliament is mainly filled with 'pretend' lords (unelected, appointed for life by the Prime Minister or the leaders of the main political parties).

MPs (elected members of the House of Commons) will be asked to vote on the following propositions concerning the reforms to the House of Lords:

1) By what method should Members of the House of Lords be selected:
a) Appointment (by the leaders of the main political parties in proportion to how many votes their party got in the election)?
b) Election (from lists compiled by the leaders of the main political parties in proportion to how many votes their party gets in the election)?
c) The highest bidder?

2) What other categories of people should be members:
a) Archbishops and Bishops of the Church of England?
b) Descendents of the bastard offspring of previous monarchs?
c) Winners of Big Brother?

3) How long should members be appointed:
a) one parliamentary term?
b) 15 years?
c) Life?
d) Membership should be visited upon the sons of the fathers unto the fourth generation?

5) What should the reformed House of Lords be called:
a) The House of Lords?
b) The Senate?
c) I Can't Believe It's Not the House of Lords!?
d) Utterly Butterly?

Cash for Honours

Yesterday upon the stair
I didn’t meet a Tony Blair.
He wasn't there again today
I think the Police took him away.

A day ago, he didn’t do
This thing he's been alleged to do.
Again today it wasn’t done.
It’s just a story that’s been spun.

Nothing changed all yesterday
And nothing changed again today.
Might he change his mind some day?
I do not know, he couldn’t say.

(With apologies to William Hughes Mearns)