UK Government Caves In Over Identity Cards

In a major Government climbdown, Gordon Brown has agreed that ID cards will not be made compulsory.

From 2010, the Government will begin issuing Identity Cards; anyone who does not wish to be entered on the National Identity Register can simply apply to have their details placed on the ID Card Opt-Out List.

Participants in the opt-out scheme will be issued with a special card containing their personal and biometric details, when asked by Police to produce their ID card they can simply show the opt-out card which Police can then verify against the centrally administered Opt-Out database.

The Government has issued a National Identity guarantee regarding personal data, where they pledge not to allow people's ID card details to be downloaded onto laptops or CDs and subsequently lost. Of course, journalists, organised criminals and foreign governments will still be able to access the data by simply bribing or blackmailing civil servants in accordance with time-honoured Civil Service practice.

Anyone choosing not to participate in either the ID Card or the Opt-Out card systems can join the National Forehead Barcode scheme.

Storm in a Teacup

Kerbia’s rebellious Samovar province has declared independence.

Kerbia has opposed the move. Kerbian nationalists celebrate the birth of their nation in the ancient Battle of Samovar; where Kerbia opposed the imposition of footstools and blanket boxes by the Ottoman Turks.

America and the EU have recognised the newly independent republic, on the condition that there are no moves to unite with the adjacent Duchy of Grand Fenwick.

Russia has dismissed it as a storm in a teacup. The Russian ambassador to Kerbia said that it was economic madness for all samovars to leave Kerbia for the EU. When asked “What’s a samovar earn?” he replied, “a large water heater for making tea.”

Polish Workers Leaving UK

Britain’s newspaper industry has been plunged into crisis as Government figures show that thousands of Polish workers are now leaving the UK.

The Press had been enjoying an industry-wide boom with headlines such as “Thousands of Poles taking British Jobs!”, “Entire Population of Warsaw Encamped in Shanty Towns Throughout the Home Counties!” and “Archbishop says it is unavoidable that some elements of Polish law will be introduced in Britain!”

A spokesman for the Daily Nail lamented “where will we get our rabid, scare-mongering stories now?”

The editor of the Daily Repress called for an end to restrictions on workers from Romania and Bulgaria, “the only hope for the newspapers now is an influx of racist stories about an influx of Romanian Gypsies and, on a lighter note, some lame, womble-based headlines about Great Uncle Bulgaria.”

Reports in the British Press of a surge in the numbers of French Polish workers were denied by French officials last night when they revealed that the figures referred to traditional French craftsman skilled in the shellacking of antique furniture.

Tabloid stories have also suggested that the thousands of Polish workers moving from the UK to Warsaw will cause mayhem as the Polish Government struggles to: put up Polish-language road signs; provide Polish-language emergency services; and cater for a surge in Polish-speaking schoolchildren.

Hymns Ancient and Modern

The Church of England is at the centre of a new storm as the words to Jerusalem are changed in line with the modern media age.

Jerusalem

And were those words in modern time
Distorted by England's media circus?
And was the message misconstrued
As “England's lasses should wear burkas” ?

And did the journalists tabloid
Pour forth their verbal diarrhoea?
And were the newspapers so annoyed
About the Bishop and Sharia?

Bring me my pen of purple prose!
Bring me my headline puns so dire!
Bring me my ignorance exposed!
Don’t bring the facts, I won’t enquire!

I will make news sensational,
And I shall feed hysteria,
Till we have stoked the frenzied rage
Of England's vulgar tabloid media.

Lorry Drivers in Low Emission Zone Protest

London's new Low Emission Zone charges have been condemned as yet another stealth tax hitting lorry drivers who already face the burden of congestion charges, petrol duty and the ever-increasing number of tyres on their vehicles.

A spokesman for the protest, Mr Tach O'Graph, said,

"The cost of driving a lorry from Romania to London is already prohibitive. What Ken Livingston doesn't understand is that many lorry drivers simply cannot drive around the outside of the LEZ. There's only so much oxygen in these air-tight container lorries, if we go the long way round all the illegal immigrants in the back will asphyxiate."

Northern Rockall

Alistair Darling has announced plans to bring Rockall into public ownership.

The northern Rockall bank came perilously close to collapse, necessitating Government action to prop it up in case the whole sector was undermined.

The Chancellor said that leaving Rockall to weather current conditions in the North Atlantic was not a good option due to the Climate Crunch.

He proposes to keep Rockall at arm’s length by moving it to central London until sea levels fall back sufficiently to allow it to return to the North Atlantic sector. Mr Darling predicted that significant cuts in carbon emissions would soon lead to a more stable climate.

The Tories condemned the move saying, "The Treasury should have gone with the Pirate sector bid from the Long John Silver consortium which would have brought a million Spanish doubloons to Rockall."

Fairy Tale of New York Stock Exchange

We are rogues
We are witty
Bright sparks of the City,
When the banks finish paying
They pay us some more.

On futures we’re betting,
But it’s losses we’re getting.
With fraud we can hide ‘em
Then hoodwink them all.

The boys of the New York Stock Exchange
Want the markets propping up
And the central banker’s response
Is an interest rate cut.

By “The Rogues”
Jerome Kerviel on accordion, Nick Leeson on tin whistle, John Rusnak on mandolin.

“The Rogues” take their name from the Investment Bankers’ motto róg mo thóin meaning “kiss my arse”. Their latest album “Rogue Traders” is causing a big buzz in the market.

Great Thatcher Award

Leader of the Conservative party, David Cameron, has presented an award to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher for her "enormous contribution to British life".

Mr Cameron, arriving late after being wrongly directed to the Cottage Roofers ‘Great Thatcher’ Award ceremony in an adjacent room, praised Baroness Thatcher as a "towering figure".

Lady Thatcher praised Gordon Brown for following the policies of easy credit, rampant house price inflation and recession that had made Britain great in the 1980s.

She went on to urge Mr Cameron to “get a proper majority like that nice Mr Blair”.

Minister Quits in Veil Row

The Bishop of London has asked the Reverend Green, vicar of St Cluedo’s church, Balham, to resign after he refused to perform a marriage ceremony because the bride turned up wearing a veil. Reverend Green left the church without explaining his reasons, but said later that he felt there were identity issues. He noted that the bride was all fat and wide and that they had had to take the door off to get her inside.

A statement from the General Synod of the Church of England said: "Reverend Green is concerned about questions of identity when the full veil is worn in church; in this particular case the bride was so big that he felt that there may have been two people behind the veil, or possibly a horse."

"However, he agrees that he acted unwisely in absenting himself without giving reasons, and acknowledges that he should have sought the advice of his Bishop, and that there could have been a perfectly reasonable explanation for the size of the bride i.e. she was up the duff, as brides so often are."

The local MP has condemned the Bishop, saying: "People are fed up to the back teeth with continual concessions to small, awkward minority groups like the Church of England."

Bush Condemned in Nuclear Plant Row

As international controversy over Iran’s nuclear ambitions mounts, the International Atomic Energy Authority has published an in-depth report on Iranian nuclear facilities and plants. The IAEA report has found no evidence that Iran might be trying to develop an atomic bomb; but it has highlighted a number of serious concerns regarding a plant at Iran’s key nuclear installation.

Mohamed ElBaradei, the head of the IAEA, commenting on an incident where a steam pipe had burst at the Bushehr nuclear power station, commended the Iranian authorities for ensuring that stringent safety procedures had been followed at all times; but he insisted that plants affected by a leak of radioactive material should be condemned.

After talks about the contaminated plant, President Ahmadinejad agreed that the bush in question should be uprooted and destroyed.