Thursday, 7 December 2006

Gordon Brown's Ancestry: First World War

The story so far:

Dour Scot, Captain Gordon Brownadder, a professional soldier in the British Army, has been in the trenches since the start of the Great War. Aided by his batman, the babbling Private Edward Ballsrick, the ambitious Brownadder is anxious to advance his position in the army and is continually frustrating the orders he receives from General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Blair's HQ.

The Dug-Out (phone rings)

Brownadder: Hello? Ah, Alistair, darling, how can I help? Hmm, I'll be there in forty minutes.

Ballsrick: Who was that, sir?

Brownadder: This is all we need: some pen-pushing, wet-behind-the-ears, know-all, straight out of Staff College, trying to tell us how to run the army.

Ballsrick: Who's that, sir?

Brownadder: There's a big hoohah in the press about the so-called 'Shells Scandal'. Blair's in a panic because that complete arse, General Cameron, is asking awkward questions.

Ballsrick: But didn't General Blair tell the press the war was a big disaster?

Brownadder: It will be a big disaster if General Cameron gets promoted and distributes all the old Etonian toffs to cushy desk jobs - there won't be any for us!

Ballsrick: I see, yes, I wish they'd distribute toffees to our desk.

Brownadder: Not toffees, toffs. General Cameron's staff officers are all old Etonians.

Ballsrick: Estonians? Shouldn't they be in the Russian Army?

Brownadder: No, Ballsrick, they all went to Eton: typical Tory toffs to a man.

Ballsrick: So these Estonian immigrants have eaten all the toffees and left nothing to go to the humble privates?

Brownadder: Ballsrick, I'd suggest you go and clean out the trench before you find my foot going to your humble privates. I'm off to HQ.

Staff HQ

Blair: Alistair, darling, is Brownadder here yet?

Darling: Captain Brownadder has just arrived now, sir.

Blair: Ah, Brownadder! General Cameron's aide-de-camp, Osborne, is saying that, compared to US forces, our privates are missing vital equipment.

Brownadder: But this is nonsense, sir, the honest British Tommy in the trenches is as well-endowed as any American soldier.

Blair: I'm glad to hear it, Brownadder. It's vital that we're fully prepared for the next big push and I don't want our boys caught with their trousers round their ankles when the US forces come up from the rear.

Brownadder: Sorry, sir, are we talking about the same thing?

Blair: People are getting tired of this war, Brownadder.

Brownadder: Well, they were told it would all be over by Christmas. The press are asking whether we really had any plan for what happens when we win.

Blair: The American President is promoting a strategy for national self-determination to spread freedom and democracy around Europe. He's confident that by 1940 Germany will be a beacon of democracy in the heart of Europe.

Darling: Sorry, to interrupt, sir, but what are we going to do about these questions from Cameron and his man, Osborne?

Blair: Alistair, darling, I'm not sure there's much we can do except brazen it out.

Brownadder: May I suggest that we leak a story to the Times about Cameron and Osborne's privileged backgrounds? You know the sort of thing: public school education and aristocratic relations. I'm sure we could dig up stories of embarrassing hi-jinks - they are Tories after all.

Blair: I see, Brownadder. We show them for the two-faced Tory fat cats that they are!

Brownadder: Indeed, sir, I think that would be the prudent strategy.

Later, In the Dug-Out

Brownadder: Right, Ballsrick, when the Press reveal the silver spoon in Cameron's mouth, they'll be a lot less interested in what he has to say.

Ballsrick: Didn't General Blair go to an elite public school?

Brownadder: Yes, Ballsrick?

Ballsrick: If you get people talking about Cameron's privileged background, won't they start thinking about Blair's privileged background?

Brownadder: They might Ballsrick. In which case it would be prudent for him to resign and allow the promotion of a more competent person.

The End

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